Guys and Girls and the Rest of Us

I think I would understand girls better if I had grown up with a sister. Instead, I grew up with four younger brothers. We did brother stuff. We played baseball together, rode dirt bikes, shot b-b guns, built tree forts, dug holes (for no reason), wrestled, wrestled some more, wrestling turned to fist-fighting, and an hour later we'd be playing baseball together again. If I'd had a sister, I probably would've been suckered into playing with dolls and dressing up and stuff like that. (I have a sister now, but my parents had her when I was in college and I was already out on my own, so I didn't really grow up with her). Anyway, most of my information about girls came from TV and movies, and much later I learned that girls weren't really like that in real life. They weren't so predictable. Growing up, I didn't know how to have a conversation with a girl. I was terribly awkward. I'm still awkward, but it was much worse back then.

I approached conversations with girls as if they were math problems, and they never added up and I was so puzzled. I didn't realize that there are lots of subtle non-verbal cues that girls communicate and if you're not paying attention then you miss them and misread them, and they know it. My first girlfriend was in the third-grade. I passed a note to her that said "Will you be my girlfriend? Check yes or no." She checked yes, but I didn't know what to do after that, so I didn't talk to her for the rest of the year. The following summer, I found out that she had a different boyfriend. One that talked to her.

Most generalizations for guys and girls are misleading, broad strokes like "Men are from Mars and women are from Venus." I'm convinced that some guys are from an entirely different planet than me. I'm a guy and yet I'm not like some guys. I don't like watching sports or hunting or belching or stuff like that. And I think it's the same thing with girls. I've yet to meet a girl that fits any formula. In fact, when I try to fit girls into a formula then I get frustrated. The reality is that everyone is unique and you only understand them when you get to know them. Perhaps, it helps to know some guidelines, like men want to be respected and women want to feel loved. But the specifics require a tailored relationship.

My friend Tim has a great marriage. I asked him the secret and he says that they just talk about everything. He says that things like leaving the toilet seat up are never the real issue. But that it's about his wife knowing that he treasures her, and that she is central to his life. He says that when something puts a wedge between them then they just talk about it and it works out. It makes sense. I can think of countless times when I was bitter toward someone because a tiny issue blew up in my mind but then when I talked with them and understood their heart, then it wasn't a big deal anymore. Arguments usually occur when there is a lack of communication. It's as if the pressure builds until someone explodes and then several different conversations happen at once and it usually ends with a good ol' fashion door slamming. There's also the silent treatment. I think it happens when one spouse wants the other spouse to squirm a little and figure things out on their own. From what I hear, it never really resolves anything, but just adds to the confusion. The scripture that says "Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry" is a verse that continues to salvage volatile relationships. Sometimes simplicity is the only hope for utterly tangled situations. Simple things like talking.