Have You Had Your DTR Lately?

DTR's are hilarious. Can you really define a relationship? Is it really that categorical? Yet against all odds, DTR's insist on fencing in love. In reality, love in its many forms is so nuanced and unwieldy. No matter how many DTR's are bumbled through, confusion always finds a crack in the communication. After all, trying to wrap words around feelings is like cupping water in your hands, it's so leaky and inadequate and frustrating. And you can never have just one DTR. With each day, there's always the possibility that feelings have changed. And then there's those annoying stories about couples who set out to be "just friends" and ended up getting married. What's more, it doesn't help that we always hear what we want to hear. Even if someone looks us in the eye and says "Drop dead," our hearts often find some way around it. Actions always speak louder than words. For that reason, DTR's should never be used as a license to say one thing and do another, hoping to get the benefits of a commitment without actually committing to anything. Otherwise, you'll be forced to sing another round of "Oops I Did It Again."

Nevertheless, DTR's are a necessary evil. Direct communication is always good. If it doesn't fill in all the gaps then at least it gives fair warning. Guys and girls usually communicate differently, so DTR's take a lot more effort to get the point across the gender barrier. With girls, I have yet to interpret the difference between flirting and just being friendly. Most girls smile and laugh a lot, which can mean a great number of things. Maybe they're just happy.

The worst situations are the ones where one person is confused about their own feelings, which makes the other person even more confused. I actually feel very relieved when I know exactly how someone feels about me. Because then I know what to do. If I'm not sure how they feel, then I don't know what to do and I always feel like I'm doing something wrong. It usually leads to some sort of drama. I hate drama. Christian DTR's are something else entirely. Usually, when one Christian doesn't have "feelings" for the other then they say that it's just not God's will for them. They blame it on God, as if God is Cupid and forces people to fall in love. And if we say that it's not God's will then the other person is left questioning if God is being heard correctly (In the book of Hosea, God told the guy to marry a prostitute, it's funny how people never "hear" God saying stuff like that these days). If we're going to have DTR's then we might as well be completely honest. Just say "I don't like you" and leave it at that, you'll be doing them a favor by giving them closure.

But honestly, I'm a hypocrite. I say that because I can be the most fickle, ambivalent, hard-to-read person you'll ever meet. I think too much, which is a blessing and a curse. I'm terrible with multiple choice tests, because I take lots of time to weigh all the answers, evaluating their strengths and weaknesses and getting caught up in the wording. Communication hinges on wording, which is why it doesn't come easy for me on the fly. I'm better at writing than talking. The reason being, I can't edit conversations. Writing allows me to tinker with the tone, until I get it just right. Sometimes, a certain word feels like a puzzle piece that almost fits but not quite. Anyway, DTR's are not fun for me. I never feel like I'm saying what I mean to say.

Question: Can a guy really have a close, lasting "just friends" relationship with a girl? I haven't had very good results. Neither have most guys that I've talked to. There's always some degree of confusion and frustration, and unhealthy signs of attachment and entitlement. In my experience, when one of us starts dating someone else, then that's usually the end of it. I'm kind of old-fashioned. I've never been able to date a girl who wants to continue hanging out with a bunch of other dudes. Call it crazy or call it commitment. One guy said that when he has DTR's, he sometimes tells the girl that he's interested in a 'friendship with the potential for more.' I don't know how he says it with a straight face. It really defeats the purpose of having a DTR, leaving so much to the imagination.

As for me, usually the best way to define a dead-end relationship is just to end it, sooner than later.