Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Love's Stage

My mom said that she always thought that I'd get married when I was 35 (I have some years to go). She didn't mean it in a bad way. She meant that I've always been very independant and so I'd probably opt to join forces with someone later in life. I'm beginning to think that her prediction isn't that crazy of an idea. Sometimes, I'm not sure if I want to get married because I'm supposed to or because I really do want to. I'm the kind of person that likes to sift through every iota of data with any decision, analyzing all of the pros and cons. I never did very well on multiple choice tests because I would take too much time scrutinizing and philosophizing about all the answers before filling in a circle. And even then I was never pleased with the wording of the answer, I could always find holes in it. Not only that, but I was never satisfied with how I filled in the circle.

Anyways, this is how I think about marriage. I weigh the pros and cons, and they in turn weigh me. Some of the pros of marriage seem to be: companionship, intimacy, maturity, and help. Another pro might be kids, but for some reason I'm not looking forward to having kids right now. I feel bad about saying that but it's the honest truth. Maybe that will change later on, maybe it's a desire that just hasn't been awakened yet. Anyway, some of the cons of marriage seem to be: less freedom, less space, and less time. Another con might be that I will never feel like I'm doing things right. I'm not sure that I want to live like that, with the feeling that I'm always failing. My fear of failure makes marriage seem so omenous, because so many marriages fail and men get such a bad rap these days. I have a fear that my wife will expect things from me that I just can't give her because I am only human. More than my fear that I might be unhappy is my fear that my wife would be unhappy. It's the most draining thing in the world to try to make someone happy who is determined to wallow in their unhappiness. I think I want to marry someone who is happy in their singleness. That way she won't expect marriage to make her happy, she will already be happy. So. . .why would she get married if she is already happy? Well, I am also happy in my singleness, so the question is similar to why would I get married? Well, if I believed that marriage was only about being happy then honestly I would not get married, because I am already happy. So, there must be more to marriage than that.

With marriage, I'm believing that there will be a point in time when my will coincides with God's will. When I will really want to get married and feel as though God really wants me to get married. Those stars have not aligned for me quite yet. I can't think of any other reasons to get married than those two. I can't imagine God forcing me to get married if I didn't want to. It would be like a dad trying to force feed his son with chocolate ice cream. Can you imagine that? "Son, if you don't eat this chocolate ice cream then you're going to get a spanking!"

There are those who believe life begins once you're married, and those who believe life ends when you're married. But I think that marriage is just a slice of life. It's one of the many wonders in this world. It's beautiful but it's not beauty, it's glorious but it's not glory. It is love's stage, but it is never love itself.