Thoughts On Marriage From A Single Guy

Years ago, I was asked to teach at our church's college group. As a young single guy I decided to teach on marriage, being the expert that I was. Really, it was just something I wanted to learn about. Years later, I am still learning a lot about marriage even though I'm unmarried. I feel that if I learn through other people's mistakes then maybe I won't make them when I'm married. But it's also a genuine curiosity that makes me want to take a closer look. I love watching older couples interact. What strikes me is their uninhibited honesty toward each other, nothing is hidden and flattery is insulting. I don't share that sort of naked honesty with anybody. It seems that honesty comes with trust, and that sort of trust comes with countless times of testing. It is a depth of contented love that I have yet to experience, but I see it in their eyes. It's not Hollywood's glamorous version of love, it's better. It's real.

When I think about marriage, I can't help but think about all the divorces going on around me. And all the couples who are talking about divorce, and all the couples who aren't talking about divorce, but wished they were divorced. It's very disturbing. It always ruins my fairytale daydreams about marriage. Something is terribly wrong. Why all the divorce? Sometimes, I think that if so many people are wanting out of marriage then maybe I'm better off avoiding it altogether. Honestly, sometimes I want to be married and sometimes I don't. I've had seasons where I really wanted a girlfriend, then I got a girlfriend, but then I didn't want to have a girlfriend. My fickle heart scares me. I don't trust myself. I know that marriage is for life and I take that very seriously. If I do anything right, I want to stay true to my wedding vows. I'm sure that if I get married then there will be times when I'd rather not be married, but I'm convinced that my love for God and my family will be my strength and inspiration to give it my all.

I think the high divorce rate reveals our fallacies about marriage. Our expectations and imaginations set the bar at an impossible height. We view love like we view the lottery. We want prosperity but we don't want to work for it. It's interesting that divorcing couples almost always blame the other person. If I know one thing, it is that marriage stands or falls based on the element of self-sacrifice, agape love. If we go into marriage with only selfish desires and an unwillingness to sacrifice then we will lose. It seems, we'd rather try to change someone else into the idea of the person we love rather than work at loving the real person. The seed of divorce starts with that seminal unfaithfulness. Consequently, if someone is bent on changing their spouse, and not willing to change for their spouse, then that is a form of self-love. And that marriage will fail.

I've noticed a growing aversion to marriage among young single guys especially (maybe some girls too, but not the ones I've talked to). That attitude actually makes sense in a culture of rampant sexual immorality. Sex is supposed to be reserved for marriage alone, but that hard line is being softened to the point of being obsolete. In our society, to be a virgin is as peculiar as being Amish. The misunderstanding of grace in the church is breeding compromise. The Devil's best pitch is "Just do it and God will forgive you later" and after the fact his tone changes to "God could never forgive you." Sufficed to say, sex is not the only reason for marriage but it is one of the reasons, according to its Designer.

I think young singles are also apprehensive toward marriage because from the outside it just looks hard. It seems so time-consuming and high-maintenance. And really it's not a commandment to be married, it really is optional. Sometimes, I joke that Jesus and Beethoven didn't marry so maybe I won't either. But seriously, there's a part of me that knows that if I never get married, then I will be missing out on a great adventure. It will be a facet of love that will remain a mystery. I believe we are here to explore love, and marriage seems like a locked corridor in my life. I know that if I get married then it will be scary at times and I will see parts of myself that I'd rather not see. But in the end, if I am willing to look hard enough then the truth will set me free. It is hard to lose my life and yet there is a part of me that wants to lose myself more than anything else. That is true freedom. With marriage, I look forward to completely investing myself in someone else, where her hardships become mine and vice versa. And knowing that if the whole world turns against me then at least one person will still be holding my hand.

Be that as it may, whenever I feel a strong yearning for marriage then I pray. I pray for my future wife and somewhere out there she is being kissed by blessings. I pray that if she is feeling forlorn that the Lord would wrap His loving arms around her and steady her heart. And maybe she is praying for me. Maybe, we aren't so far apart after all.