The other day, I ran into a girl that I knew from Portland. She wore gray sweatpants and a gray sweater that was about 3 sizes too big. She waved to a guy walking across the street and said that he was her new husband and that they are now living in Corvallis. It surprised me, because I recalled seeing her last New Year's Eve and she wasn't even dating anyone at the time. What happened? She explained that an old flame had rekindled and that her and her man decided to elope. Elope? You're probably thinking Oh, they're probably not Christians. Nope, they are Christians. Or you're thinking It was probably the guy's idea. Wrong again, it was her idea. They wanted to save money and not go through the gauntlet of organizing a traditional wedding. It made perfect sense to me.
I just sang at a wedding last weekend. From my piano bench, I watched the whole pricey shebang unfold. The parade of the confused little ringbearer and the doe-eyed flower girl, the entrance of the stalwart wedding party, the groom beholding the dawning of bridezilla, the music, the wedding vows, the exchange of rings, the pronouncement, the kiss, the send-off, more music. The only thing that didn't go according to plan was that one of the bride's maids fainted because she locked her knees, but indeed the show must go on. The whole time, I was thinking Where did all of these crazy traditions come from? Not from the Bible. It's funny how we make up rituals and then act like they are ordained by God. I once read that the act of tying cans onto the back of the wedding getaway car is in order to scare away evil spirits. But how bad could a spirit be if it's intimidated by some tin cans?
I've also noticed that we have traditions when it comes to dating. We approach relationships as if there is some kind of protocol, as if we are coloring by numbers or putting it through an assembly line, and yet every love story is completely different. There's no formula. The third verse is not the same as the first, you have to learn to freestyle. You learn to sail with the changing winds of the Holy Spirit. You discover what makes someone feel loved, and in that, you discover love for yourself. In fact, you can't discover true love without making someone else feel loved. Marriage doesn't have to look the same for everybody. The Bible gives us very loose guidelines. We are told to love each other for life and to not sleep with other people and that's about it. I know one Christian married couple who are in a rock band together. Anyway, I don't like tradition. I don't like forcing things, and I don't like things to be forced on me. I want organic love. We are often so concerned about what other people think. Hype and pageantry is for impressing people, but I think that God gets bored and changes the channel. No one likes watching reruns.
I'm always skeptical of couples that broadcast and showboat their love. It's always a sign of insecurity when people are trying to prove something to others. I always wonder what their relationship looks like behind the scenes. I admire the couples who exude a love of quiet confidence. It's the same thing with Christians. Some Christians are too concerned with loudly convincing others of their love for God. You wonder if their public enthusiasm carries over into their private prayers.
I don't want love that needs embellishment. I'm tired of going after that sparkling mirage and still going thirsty. In the end, I just want to deeply know someone and to feel like they know me. Maybe, love is not about what it looks like on the outside. Maybe, my love story will never become a star-studded Oscar-winning film, and yet under the surface, God will tend to roots that are deeper and stronger than most loves. And with his green-thumb, He will bring about fruit that is sweet and satisfying. The buzz comes and goes, but true love takes time, it ages like a fine wine.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Requiem For A Romantic
I don't think I should be a romantic anymore. I'm getting too old for it. Reality has slapped me one too many times. Maybe, it's time to grow up and realize that true love doesn't really exist. Kind of like a love atheist. Maybe, I should finally wake up to the fact that love is just a bunch of chemicals. Or that love is just something we choose arbitrarily, and that it's as free as our will. Maybe this whole time I've been looking for someone who I could fall in love with but I should have just chosen anybody who was a good match for me on paper. This is all very easy to write, but I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can really kill the romantic in me. It runs deeper than romance, I am an idealist in every way.
Even as I write, I fantisize about becoming a world-renown author, and I imagine people lining up and camping overnight in the rain and then stampeding and scrambling into the store to buy my new book. I picture people coming up to me at the grocery store with tears streaming down their faces, saying that my book turned their lives around. And then I could go into hiding and move to Australia for a while and write another book that would save the world. And then other world-renown authors would quote me for the next 100 years. I don't care about fame, I just like to dream. Anyway, love is hard on romantics. It makes us hallucinate, hoping for the best and seeing things that aren't there, but eventually the fever breaks and then there is a part of us that wishes we were still hallucinating, even if it wasn't real.
But I still see glints of hope in the Bible. I like the story about Isaac and Rebekah meeting for the first time. It appeared to be love at first sight, with God as the matchmaker. It says that Isaac loved Rebekah.The Hebrew word for that kind of love is ahab aheb, which means to have affection for. It was more than just a responsible decision, more than a good arrangement, Isaac actually felt something. Another love story involves Jacob and Rachel. Again, it says that Jacob loved Rachel, same Hebrew word for love--ahab aheb (pronounced "hubba hubba"). And apparently, he had so much affection for her that he worked for 14 years to get her. Isaac and Jacob seem like the patriarchs of romance. The original lovesick souls.
I've also been stewing over the verse in Song of Solomon that says "Do not awaken love until it pleases." This is a curious phrase that implies that we do have a choice when it comes to falling in love. But the phrase "until it pleases" seems to imply that there is an aspect of love that has a will of its own once we choose to animate it. There are sides to love that are within our control and parts of it that are beyond us. Some of it is manageable and the rest of it is as mystical and bizarre as the Trinity itself. And then there is the allusion to timing in this verse. Timing is key. It warns us to wait until the right time to fall in love.
Anyway, being a romantic feels like you're craving a kind of food that you can't seem to find, nothing tastes right, nothing hits the spot. Or you feel like the guy in I Am Legend, a lone warm-blooded human in a world full of flesh-eating zombies. The truth is, I've never been married but I miss my wife. I've missed her for quite awhile now. I hope she misses me. Someday, I want to give myself to her without holding anything back, and I want it to be mutual. I was just reading about the woman who poured all of her expensive perfume onto Jesus's feet. And then she wiped his feet with her hair. She withheld nothing, even to the point of looking foolish. It was so undignified and unraveled. I want to love someone like that. Extravagantly, recklessly, wastefully. I don't want it to be like a poker game anymore, with all the bluffing and gambling, holding and folding. No more charades. I want all the cards to be laid face up on the table, so we can both see that neither one of us have a very good hand, but that it doesn't matter because winning isn't really the point. There's no competition, the point is just being together.
Even as I write, I fantisize about becoming a world-renown author, and I imagine people lining up and camping overnight in the rain and then stampeding and scrambling into the store to buy my new book. I picture people coming up to me at the grocery store with tears streaming down their faces, saying that my book turned their lives around. And then I could go into hiding and move to Australia for a while and write another book that would save the world. And then other world-renown authors would quote me for the next 100 years. I don't care about fame, I just like to dream. Anyway, love is hard on romantics. It makes us hallucinate, hoping for the best and seeing things that aren't there, but eventually the fever breaks and then there is a part of us that wishes we were still hallucinating, even if it wasn't real.
But I still see glints of hope in the Bible. I like the story about Isaac and Rebekah meeting for the first time. It appeared to be love at first sight, with God as the matchmaker. It says that Isaac loved Rebekah.The Hebrew word for that kind of love is ahab aheb, which means to have affection for. It was more than just a responsible decision, more than a good arrangement, Isaac actually felt something. Another love story involves Jacob and Rachel. Again, it says that Jacob loved Rachel, same Hebrew word for love--ahab aheb (pronounced "hubba hubba"). And apparently, he had so much affection for her that he worked for 14 years to get her. Isaac and Jacob seem like the patriarchs of romance. The original lovesick souls.
I've also been stewing over the verse in Song of Solomon that says "Do not awaken love until it pleases." This is a curious phrase that implies that we do have a choice when it comes to falling in love. But the phrase "until it pleases" seems to imply that there is an aspect of love that has a will of its own once we choose to animate it. There are sides to love that are within our control and parts of it that are beyond us. Some of it is manageable and the rest of it is as mystical and bizarre as the Trinity itself. And then there is the allusion to timing in this verse. Timing is key. It warns us to wait until the right time to fall in love.
Anyway, being a romantic feels like you're craving a kind of food that you can't seem to find, nothing tastes right, nothing hits the spot. Or you feel like the guy in I Am Legend, a lone warm-blooded human in a world full of flesh-eating zombies. The truth is, I've never been married but I miss my wife. I've missed her for quite awhile now. I hope she misses me. Someday, I want to give myself to her without holding anything back, and I want it to be mutual. I was just reading about the woman who poured all of her expensive perfume onto Jesus's feet. And then she wiped his feet with her hair. She withheld nothing, even to the point of looking foolish. It was so undignified and unraveled. I want to love someone like that. Extravagantly, recklessly, wastefully. I don't want it to be like a poker game anymore, with all the bluffing and gambling, holding and folding. No more charades. I want all the cards to be laid face up on the table, so we can both see that neither one of us have a very good hand, but that it doesn't matter because winning isn't really the point. There's no competition, the point is just being together.
It all seems very possible. Then again, maybe not. After all, I am sick in the heart. Indeed, there is a high cost to being a romantic. It's kind of like being a Christian. There is a high cost to being a follower of Jesus. But the cost of not following Jesus is much higher. So maybe I will string along the romantic for a little while longer. And I will try to convince him that it will be worth it in the end and that he is not the only lovesick soul out there.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
The Fog of Love
The fog of war is nothing compared to the fog of love. Life is hard, and love is the hardest part. Love toys with the mind, bending it beyond its dexterity, mushrooming until it is impossible to think about anything else. At times love seems as fickle as the wind, yet other times it glimmers as the anchor of our humanity. If only love was an algorithm. If only it was black and white, yes or no. If only it could neatly fit into a magazine, right next to the cooking tips. If only it came with a warranty for those who invest everything toward its cause. With love, nothing ever plays out how you see it in your mind. Nothing.
A girl emailed me and told her story about her last relationship. The relationship started out so well and then ended in a hopeless tailspin of "He loves me, he loves me not." I felt her confusion and frustration and pain. And I began to wonder if her ex-boyfriend had multiple personality disorder. One day he'd act as though he was head-over-heels in love and the next day he would blow her off. She forgave him and gave him grace upon grace, but no amount of thoughtful gestures from her could bring back that lovin' feelin'. Her every effort to be closer to him only pushed him farther away. The worst part is that she is now left torturing herself, trying to figure out what she's done wrong. She didn't do anything wrong. Why do the good ones always have to suffer? Anyway, she asked me for advice and I quoted the old proverb that says "Run Forest, run."
So what are we supposed to learn from all of the headaches and heartache? Are we supposed to learn to love less? That seems bad. So are we supposed to learn to distrust the people we love? That doesn't seem quite right either. Or maybe to learn to distrust ourselves. That could be good. Trusting myself means that I'm not trusting God. That's why I like the Bible. I need something outside of myself to rely on for direction. Some people think that they are following God's heart when they are really just following their own heart and claiming that it's God. That is known as psychological projection where someone projects their feelings onto someone else. Those kind of people don't like the Bible because the Bible is too direct and honest. They want a flattering pat-on-the-back but the Bible tells them that they've got something in their teeth and a booger hanging out of their nose and that their shoes are untied. So they read something else. Anyway, I need to trust God and not myself in order to navigate my way around this maze. With most mazes you are trying to find your way out, but I'm beginning to see that there is no way out of this love thing. We discover where the deadends are, but there is no exit and that is the point. And even with the Bible's razor-sharp words, love is still so messy. We can never quite get it right. There's no closure. I used to analyze my relationships but now I know better. If I try to predict what the other person is thinking or feeling, based on reason alone, then I'm usually wrong.
Maybe, this is why God seems so complicated, because God is love, and love is the epitome of complicated. Maybe, this is why we get so frustrated with God sometimes. We come wanting answers and He tells us a riddle. And then we ask Him for the answer to that riddle and He tells us another riddle. And then we don't want to ask anymore questions. But maybe, God is really trying to tell us that our comfort is not as important as we think. We want love without pain, and yet pain is an integral part of love. It's interesting that Jesus's death on the cross was the greatest expression of love. It wasn't very romantic, in fact it was ugly. There's nothing pretty about a bloody, naked man crying out in agony. Love without pain and you have no Crucifixion. No Crucifixion and you have no Resurrection. Yes, unrequited love kills us. It is a cross. But when a part of us dies then we are ready to undergo a resurrection. Death and love are not so far apart, death makes way for glorified love. . .as long as we don't stay in the grave. Love is boobytrapped to make us need God, only God can resurrect deadened hearts.
A girl emailed me and told her story about her last relationship. The relationship started out so well and then ended in a hopeless tailspin of "He loves me, he loves me not." I felt her confusion and frustration and pain. And I began to wonder if her ex-boyfriend had multiple personality disorder. One day he'd act as though he was head-over-heels in love and the next day he would blow her off. She forgave him and gave him grace upon grace, but no amount of thoughtful gestures from her could bring back that lovin' feelin'. Her every effort to be closer to him only pushed him farther away. The worst part is that she is now left torturing herself, trying to figure out what she's done wrong. She didn't do anything wrong. Why do the good ones always have to suffer? Anyway, she asked me for advice and I quoted the old proverb that says "Run Forest, run."
So what are we supposed to learn from all of the headaches and heartache? Are we supposed to learn to love less? That seems bad. So are we supposed to learn to distrust the people we love? That doesn't seem quite right either. Or maybe to learn to distrust ourselves. That could be good. Trusting myself means that I'm not trusting God. That's why I like the Bible. I need something outside of myself to rely on for direction. Some people think that they are following God's heart when they are really just following their own heart and claiming that it's God. That is known as psychological projection where someone projects their feelings onto someone else. Those kind of people don't like the Bible because the Bible is too direct and honest. They want a flattering pat-on-the-back but the Bible tells them that they've got something in their teeth and a booger hanging out of their nose and that their shoes are untied. So they read something else. Anyway, I need to trust God and not myself in order to navigate my way around this maze. With most mazes you are trying to find your way out, but I'm beginning to see that there is no way out of this love thing. We discover where the deadends are, but there is no exit and that is the point. And even with the Bible's razor-sharp words, love is still so messy. We can never quite get it right. There's no closure. I used to analyze my relationships but now I know better. If I try to predict what the other person is thinking or feeling, based on reason alone, then I'm usually wrong.
Maybe, this is why God seems so complicated, because God is love, and love is the epitome of complicated. Maybe, this is why we get so frustrated with God sometimes. We come wanting answers and He tells us a riddle. And then we ask Him for the answer to that riddle and He tells us another riddle. And then we don't want to ask anymore questions. But maybe, God is really trying to tell us that our comfort is not as important as we think. We want love without pain, and yet pain is an integral part of love. It's interesting that Jesus's death on the cross was the greatest expression of love. It wasn't very romantic, in fact it was ugly. There's nothing pretty about a bloody, naked man crying out in agony. Love without pain and you have no Crucifixion. No Crucifixion and you have no Resurrection. Yes, unrequited love kills us. It is a cross. But when a part of us dies then we are ready to undergo a resurrection. Death and love are not so far apart, death makes way for glorified love. . .as long as we don't stay in the grave. Love is boobytrapped to make us need God, only God can resurrect deadened hearts.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Love Wishlist
On life's road, we get so wrapped up with where we are trying to get to and often forget to roll down the windows and breathe in the bold, crisp air. Sometimes it even calls for hanging your head out of that window and letting the moment rush over you and through you in such a way that you feel like you've arrived at your journey's end. At least for the moment.
A few days ago, I decided to take a road trip to Glacier National Park, being the road warrior that I am. The extent of my planning involved taking a road map and enough money to get me there and back. After some twists and turns and a few phone calls, I've ended up at a gorgeous ranch in Montana. Montana is like a young, blushing Oregon. Voluptuous mountains, virgin rivers, and the trees, oh the trees, dripping with color that redefines green. The wildlife dances and sings as if in a Disney film. Yes, I am having a love affair with Montana, as it seduces me with its down home country charm. Something tells me that I will retire to this rugged paradise someday. I can see my future. I can see an old man guarding a log cabin nestled in the woods, as he rocks in his chair and smokes his pipe and pats his dog. During the day, he chops wood and at night he sits by the fireplace, writing and fiddling with prose long after the world has ceased from reading. Anyway, I love road trips. There is something about seeing the world from a new vantage point that causes me to take a fresh look at life itself. Clarity and inspiration and enlightenment waft through the air like incense. God is here, omnipotence at rest.
I've been thinking about what kind of woman I should marry. I feel like I've been searching each and everyday for most of my life, it's exhausting. I feel like Bono, I still haven't found what I'm looking for. Church people will say that God brought Eve to Adam while he was asleep so we don't need to worry about doing anything to find our soulmate. But I sometimes wonder if it's time for me to wake up and behold my bride, maybe the problem is that I've been asleep for too long. Some Christians will also say that you shouldn't have a wishlist when it comes to looking for your spouse. But if you ask those people "Should I marry a Christian?" then they will say "Yes, of course." If that is not the beginning of a list then I don't know what is. I think what they mean by not having a list is that we should hold the specifics very loosely. If your list is too exhaustive then you might not recognize the better person that God has for you. For instance, I've always thought it would be neat to marry a woman who sings so that we could sing together, but ultimately it's really not that important. Or it doesn't really matter if the girl is blonde or brunette. Stuff like that.
I've heard several Christian guys talk about finding a girl that embodies the 3 H's---holy, hot and humble. Yeah, it's not a perfect list, but it's a start. I'll explain my version of that list. Holy--A girl who deeply loves God and lives in obedience to Him. I want a girl who encourages me toward Spirit-filled godliness instead of pulling me toward materialistic mediocrity. Hot---not in a worldly sense, but a girl who is naturally beautiful inside and out. Yes, beauty is both subjective and fleeting, but it still makes sense to marry someone that you are attracted to. Humble--a woman who serves others instead of expecting the world to serve her, someone who will serve alongside me. I find this to be the rarest of the 3 H's. Whenever I see humility in a girl, I'm taken back to the point of stumbling over, as if I've just seen the angel of God. It is quite extraordinary. Many guys are willing to settle for a hot and holy girl, but for me pride is the deal breaker. I can't marry a prima donna. It would be the end of me. And ultimately it would hinder me from serving God. No can do. I'm called to be a leader, and I need a wife that will let me lead the dance. And when I fall, I want someone who will help me up, not hold me down. The point is this, a girl who is full of humility is a girl who is full of grace. I want grace incarnate.
Yeah, I have high standards, which is probably why I haven't married yet. But I think that the only thing worse than having high standards is to have no standards at all. It's interesting how different girls seem to bring out different sides of me. I guess maybe I'm looking for the girl who makes me feel more like who I'm meant to be, or at least who I'd like to be. And I want to be that for her too. When I was younger, all I wanted was a relationship with scintillating passion. That's still important to me, but I've come to esteem something else even more. And that is, peace. I want the girl who I'm at peace with. That kind of peace that brings with it completeness and contentment. I already have that with God, and I want to have that with my wife. Be that as it may, it seems that my wishlist is more of a general silhouette rather than a detailed portrait. But she's out there. Somewhere. I just know it.
A few days ago, I decided to take a road trip to Glacier National Park, being the road warrior that I am. The extent of my planning involved taking a road map and enough money to get me there and back. After some twists and turns and a few phone calls, I've ended up at a gorgeous ranch in Montana. Montana is like a young, blushing Oregon. Voluptuous mountains, virgin rivers, and the trees, oh the trees, dripping with color that redefines green. The wildlife dances and sings as if in a Disney film. Yes, I am having a love affair with Montana, as it seduces me with its down home country charm. Something tells me that I will retire to this rugged paradise someday. I can see my future. I can see an old man guarding a log cabin nestled in the woods, as he rocks in his chair and smokes his pipe and pats his dog. During the day, he chops wood and at night he sits by the fireplace, writing and fiddling with prose long after the world has ceased from reading. Anyway, I love road trips. There is something about seeing the world from a new vantage point that causes me to take a fresh look at life itself. Clarity and inspiration and enlightenment waft through the air like incense. God is here, omnipotence at rest.
I've been thinking about what kind of woman I should marry. I feel like I've been searching each and everyday for most of my life, it's exhausting. I feel like Bono, I still haven't found what I'm looking for. Church people will say that God brought Eve to Adam while he was asleep so we don't need to worry about doing anything to find our soulmate. But I sometimes wonder if it's time for me to wake up and behold my bride, maybe the problem is that I've been asleep for too long. Some Christians will also say that you shouldn't have a wishlist when it comes to looking for your spouse. But if you ask those people "Should I marry a Christian?" then they will say "Yes, of course." If that is not the beginning of a list then I don't know what is. I think what they mean by not having a list is that we should hold the specifics very loosely. If your list is too exhaustive then you might not recognize the better person that God has for you. For instance, I've always thought it would be neat to marry a woman who sings so that we could sing together, but ultimately it's really not that important. Or it doesn't really matter if the girl is blonde or brunette. Stuff like that.
I've heard several Christian guys talk about finding a girl that embodies the 3 H's---holy, hot and humble. Yeah, it's not a perfect list, but it's a start. I'll explain my version of that list. Holy--A girl who deeply loves God and lives in obedience to Him. I want a girl who encourages me toward Spirit-filled godliness instead of pulling me toward materialistic mediocrity. Hot---not in a worldly sense, but a girl who is naturally beautiful inside and out. Yes, beauty is both subjective and fleeting, but it still makes sense to marry someone that you are attracted to. Humble--a woman who serves others instead of expecting the world to serve her, someone who will serve alongside me. I find this to be the rarest of the 3 H's. Whenever I see humility in a girl, I'm taken back to the point of stumbling over, as if I've just seen the angel of God. It is quite extraordinary. Many guys are willing to settle for a hot and holy girl, but for me pride is the deal breaker. I can't marry a prima donna. It would be the end of me. And ultimately it would hinder me from serving God. No can do. I'm called to be a leader, and I need a wife that will let me lead the dance. And when I fall, I want someone who will help me up, not hold me down. The point is this, a girl who is full of humility is a girl who is full of grace. I want grace incarnate.
Yeah, I have high standards, which is probably why I haven't married yet. But I think that the only thing worse than having high standards is to have no standards at all. It's interesting how different girls seem to bring out different sides of me. I guess maybe I'm looking for the girl who makes me feel more like who I'm meant to be, or at least who I'd like to be. And I want to be that for her too. When I was younger, all I wanted was a relationship with scintillating passion. That's still important to me, but I've come to esteem something else even more. And that is, peace. I want the girl who I'm at peace with. That kind of peace that brings with it completeness and contentment. I already have that with God, and I want to have that with my wife. Be that as it may, it seems that my wishlist is more of a general silhouette rather than a detailed portrait. But she's out there. Somewhere. I just know it.
Friday, July 23, 2010
What Is Romance?
"Romance" is one of those words that you think you have a firm grasp on until you try to define it and then it doesn't sound quite as romantic. It is relatively tied to the definition of "love" which is equally as shifty. But if I want to be a romantic and if I am to romance another then what exactly is romance?
When we try to define romance we usually resort to describing romance in action. We say things like "Romance involves candlelight dinners and exotic vacations and poetic serenades and dancing into the night." I don't doubt that those are wonderful manifestations of romance, but is that it? I wonder if a relationship could have those activities and yet not have romance. And it seems that if those are the only benchmarks of romance then we are doomed to a romance that is inconsistent and will soon grow tired. Sure, romance thrives on adventure and chivalry and intimacy and thoughtfulness, but where does it all begin? What fuels that romance that so tickles the soul?
We must always rethink where our standard for romance is coming from. Magazines? Movies? Novels? The Bachelor or the Bachelorette? (Bad news, most of those relationships haven't lasted very long once the cameras stopped rolling.) The world peddles a romance that divorces itself from reality to the point of becoming unattainable. When we don't find that kind of romance in the real world then we exile our hearts to the magazines and movies and novels and TV shows, all of which are after our money and not our well-being. For us Christians, vigilance is quite necessary if we are to avoid buying into the deceitful patterns of this world. Afterall, the most dangerous lies are those that speak so sweetly to our hearts until we see the truth as the enemy. The Bible presents many ironies. It tells us that we will find our life when we lose it. When we run after happiness then we feel very unhappy. It becomes that carrot, always just out of reach. You never feel like you can do enough to arrive at bliss. Likewise, when romance becomes our number one priority, then it becomes our god. We originally expect that god to serve us, but later realize that we are the slave. I must always remind the romantic within that he too exists to serve the true living God.
I looked up "romance" in the dictionary and didn't find a suitable definition, so I feel some liberty to discover it for myself, instead of following someone else's recipe. Naturally, the artist in me desires a romance that is fresh and spontaneous and full of possibilities, anything but scripted. Afterall, I find that happy moments cannot be bought or engineered. I don't think that romance can be defined because it is not a one-size-fits-all formula. It looks different depending on the person you are romancing, it calls for a custom fitting. Giving a dozen roses to someone who is allergic to roses would hardly be romantic. At any rate, it seems that the key to obtaining romance begins with the desire to make someone else feel romanced. It hinges on knowing them, caring enough to understand what makes them feel understood, and then specializing in what makes them feel special. The best romantics are those that know how to improvise.
The curious thing about romance is that it must be given in order to be enjoyed. It is like electricity which requires a current in order to feel it. Romance is designed to flow in and out, instead of being absorbed. It goes both ways. It is always better to give than to recieve. It's not unlike the old proverb that says "He who desires to have friends must be friendly." In other words, in order to get romance we must be ready to give it. I heard a speaker say that many couples approach a relationship as if it's to be 50/50, so that each one of them are merely concerned with contributing their 50 percent, as long as the other person holds up their end of the bargain. But the speaker said that that's all wrong and that both people should have the mindset that they are both contributing 100 percent no matter what.
Oddly enough, many Christians discount the element of romance in relationships, as if it's a childish fling. I don't share that sentiment. Piety and passion don't have to be at odds with each other, in fact they provide a beautiful symmetry. The apostle Paul said that marriage is actually the outlet for those who are burning with passion. Yes, I'll take spicy, sizzling romance thank you very much. God doesn't seem to like lukewarmness either. Personally, I cringe at the thought of being in a relationship without romance. What can I say? I am a lovesick soul. Guilty as charged.
When we try to define romance we usually resort to describing romance in action. We say things like "Romance involves candlelight dinners and exotic vacations and poetic serenades and dancing into the night." I don't doubt that those are wonderful manifestations of romance, but is that it? I wonder if a relationship could have those activities and yet not have romance. And it seems that if those are the only benchmarks of romance then we are doomed to a romance that is inconsistent and will soon grow tired. Sure, romance thrives on adventure and chivalry and intimacy and thoughtfulness, but where does it all begin? What fuels that romance that so tickles the soul?
We must always rethink where our standard for romance is coming from. Magazines? Movies? Novels? The Bachelor or the Bachelorette? (Bad news, most of those relationships haven't lasted very long once the cameras stopped rolling.) The world peddles a romance that divorces itself from reality to the point of becoming unattainable. When we don't find that kind of romance in the real world then we exile our hearts to the magazines and movies and novels and TV shows, all of which are after our money and not our well-being. For us Christians, vigilance is quite necessary if we are to avoid buying into the deceitful patterns of this world. Afterall, the most dangerous lies are those that speak so sweetly to our hearts until we see the truth as the enemy. The Bible presents many ironies. It tells us that we will find our life when we lose it. When we run after happiness then we feel very unhappy. It becomes that carrot, always just out of reach. You never feel like you can do enough to arrive at bliss. Likewise, when romance becomes our number one priority, then it becomes our god. We originally expect that god to serve us, but later realize that we are the slave. I must always remind the romantic within that he too exists to serve the true living God.
I looked up "romance" in the dictionary and didn't find a suitable definition, so I feel some liberty to discover it for myself, instead of following someone else's recipe. Naturally, the artist in me desires a romance that is fresh and spontaneous and full of possibilities, anything but scripted. Afterall, I find that happy moments cannot be bought or engineered. I don't think that romance can be defined because it is not a one-size-fits-all formula. It looks different depending on the person you are romancing, it calls for a custom fitting. Giving a dozen roses to someone who is allergic to roses would hardly be romantic. At any rate, it seems that the key to obtaining romance begins with the desire to make someone else feel romanced. It hinges on knowing them, caring enough to understand what makes them feel understood, and then specializing in what makes them feel special. The best romantics are those that know how to improvise.
The curious thing about romance is that it must be given in order to be enjoyed. It is like electricity which requires a current in order to feel it. Romance is designed to flow in and out, instead of being absorbed. It goes both ways. It is always better to give than to recieve. It's not unlike the old proverb that says "He who desires to have friends must be friendly." In other words, in order to get romance we must be ready to give it. I heard a speaker say that many couples approach a relationship as if it's to be 50/50, so that each one of them are merely concerned with contributing their 50 percent, as long as the other person holds up their end of the bargain. But the speaker said that that's all wrong and that both people should have the mindset that they are both contributing 100 percent no matter what.
Oddly enough, many Christians discount the element of romance in relationships, as if it's a childish fling. I don't share that sentiment. Piety and passion don't have to be at odds with each other, in fact they provide a beautiful symmetry. The apostle Paul said that marriage is actually the outlet for those who are burning with passion. Yes, I'll take spicy, sizzling romance thank you very much. God doesn't seem to like lukewarmness either. Personally, I cringe at the thought of being in a relationship without romance. What can I say? I am a lovesick soul. Guilty as charged.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Thoughts On Dating
The reason why I hate dating is that I hate breaking up. Whether I'm the one breaking it off or getting dumped, everyone loses. I really wish there was some way to date without hearts opening up and getting attached and risking heartbreak. And yet, that would probably be a very dull dating experience. People will tell you to "guard your heart," which sounds good until you try to do that, while still trying to function as a human being. How do you explore love and yet guard your heart?
C.S. Lewis said "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, and irredeemable.” C.S. Lewis knew all about this sort of insulated solitude. He didn't marry until he was 56 years old, then he was only married for four years until his wife (17 years younger than him) died of cancer.
I think that heartbreak comes in different forms. Separation is not the only means to heartbreak. I'm sure that even married people experience heartbreak from the caustic words and actions of their spouse. But the reason that they experience heartbreak is because they love. Our hearts cannot be broken by people whom we have no affection for. To love someone is to allow them to reach into your heart, they may either do good or do damage, there are no guarantees. But, in the end, feeling pain is better than feeling nothing. A heart that has never been broken is a heart that has never truly loved. The problem with broken hearts is that they tend to react by locking all the doors and boarding up the windows, until they suspiciously observe everyone through a peephole. Everyone becomes suspect, everyone becomes a threat.
When love is awakened, heartbreak is inevitable. Most sane people don't go into a relationship with the intention of hurting each other, and yet it happens over and over again. I think that dating is only dangerous if there is no intent to explore the possibility of marriage. I would argue that if someone is nowhere near ready and willing to get married, then they are not ready to date. I could be wrong, but statistics show that everyone who agrees with me is right (go figure). So what is dating? It seems like it is simply a means to get to know one another and see if you still like each other after that:) Many young Christians, seem skittish when it comes to dating, as if dating is not spiritual. It can be very spiritual or it can be very worldly, it depends on how you go about it. Prayer is everything. God should be allowed to chaperon the whole process. That might sound old-fashioned, and yet excluding God in the dating experience is a sure sign that things are not heading in the right direction. We tend to pray selfish prayers, but I recommend praying for the other person, prayers like "God, what's best for her? Am I the right person for her? Will this draw her closer to you, God?" That seems like a good place to start. If we enter into dating with a selfless attitude, then that very attitude will set us up for a salient marriage. In short, practice being a good husband or a good wife, right now.
I think the best way to buffer your heart is to keep giving it to God, even while you are dating. That is also a good indication of whether or not you should date that person. Ask yourself- Am I still able to give my heart to God in all of this? God doesn't want us to worship our girlfriend or our boyfriend, our wife or our husband. They are miserable gods of miserable heavens. We must put our faith and hope in the true God, not in another human being. That being said, if we are ever to get married, then we must date. Maybe, dating is another way for God to teach us to pray fervently.
C.S. Lewis said "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, and irredeemable.” C.S. Lewis knew all about this sort of insulated solitude. He didn't marry until he was 56 years old, then he was only married for four years until his wife (17 years younger than him) died of cancer.
I think that heartbreak comes in different forms. Separation is not the only means to heartbreak. I'm sure that even married people experience heartbreak from the caustic words and actions of their spouse. But the reason that they experience heartbreak is because they love. Our hearts cannot be broken by people whom we have no affection for. To love someone is to allow them to reach into your heart, they may either do good or do damage, there are no guarantees. But, in the end, feeling pain is better than feeling nothing. A heart that has never been broken is a heart that has never truly loved. The problem with broken hearts is that they tend to react by locking all the doors and boarding up the windows, until they suspiciously observe everyone through a peephole. Everyone becomes suspect, everyone becomes a threat.
When love is awakened, heartbreak is inevitable. Most sane people don't go into a relationship with the intention of hurting each other, and yet it happens over and over again. I think that dating is only dangerous if there is no intent to explore the possibility of marriage. I would argue that if someone is nowhere near ready and willing to get married, then they are not ready to date. I could be wrong, but statistics show that everyone who agrees with me is right (go figure). So what is dating? It seems like it is simply a means to get to know one another and see if you still like each other after that:) Many young Christians, seem skittish when it comes to dating, as if dating is not spiritual. It can be very spiritual or it can be very worldly, it depends on how you go about it. Prayer is everything. God should be allowed to chaperon the whole process. That might sound old-fashioned, and yet excluding God in the dating experience is a sure sign that things are not heading in the right direction. We tend to pray selfish prayers, but I recommend praying for the other person, prayers like "God, what's best for her? Am I the right person for her? Will this draw her closer to you, God?" That seems like a good place to start. If we enter into dating with a selfless attitude, then that very attitude will set us up for a salient marriage. In short, practice being a good husband or a good wife, right now.
I think the best way to buffer your heart is to keep giving it to God, even while you are dating. That is also a good indication of whether or not you should date that person. Ask yourself- Am I still able to give my heart to God in all of this? God doesn't want us to worship our girlfriend or our boyfriend, our wife or our husband. They are miserable gods of miserable heavens. We must put our faith and hope in the true God, not in another human being. That being said, if we are ever to get married, then we must date. Maybe, dating is another way for God to teach us to pray fervently.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Marriage Is Not The Meaning of Life
How many movies have ended with a wedding? As if that is the end of the story. As if that is the resolution to any and all conflict. As if that is the end of the adventure. I want to make a movie that begins with a wedding. . .
The other day, I realized that a germ of a lie had crept into my head. The lie is this-I will be happy if I get married. I wonder how many people enter into marriage or a dating relationship expecting the other person to fix them. Is that what marriage is all about? Just another self-improvement method? People parrot the words "It is not good that man should be alone," but as singles, we hear them saying "As long as you're unmarried, you will be unhappy and broken." Jesus wasn't married, and apparently it was good for him to "be alone." Anyway, that verse about man being alone, was uttered in the context of Adam being the only human being on the planet, he was utterly alone. No friends, no family. For some reason, people quote that verse as if marriage is the cure to loneliness. However, I know that their are many married people who still feel lonely. Be that as it may, it is interesting that Adam had unfiltered communion with God, and yet he was declared to be alone. Evidently, we need people, and that's okay. God designed most people for marriage. It's okay to love God with all your heart and still desire to be married. We were designed for fellowship with others, and marriage seems to be the deepest fellowship that we can have with another human being. It involves sharing absolutely everything. It involves being absolutely naked with somebody. It involves sex, the indelible bonding of two souls. Marriage is the confluence of two lives.
These days, there is a lot of talk about living in the present, the now, as a means to contentment. A couple years ago, I took a world religions class. I learned that Buddhism places a heavy emphasis on living in the now. Our assignment was to go into the MacDonald Forest and try to fully exist in the moment. It was the opposite of escapism. I was to drink in my surroundings and become fully aware of my thoughts and senses. It was an attempt to freeze time. It was very calming. It was also very difficult. It is tricky to think about what you are thinking about. Sometimes, people ask me what I'm thinking about, and I don't know what to say, because my mind feels like a buzzing beehive. Anyway, I stood in that forest, trying to think about what I was thinking about. And then the most annoying question popped up-Why? Why am I doing this? What is the point of being so engrossed in the moment that I have to go stand in a forest by myself? Dwelling on myself is depressing, not liberating. With that in mind, I can't think of any scriptures about the importance of living in the moment, but I can think of several verses about living one day at a time. We're told to not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough worries of its own. We're told to pray "Give us this day our daily bread." We're told to hold our future plans loosely, and say "Lord willing, we will do this or that," because we have no idea what will happen tomorrow. And we're told to not look back once we've put our hand to the plow. Naturally, it seems that all of my discontentment flows from living too much in the past or in the future. I will only be content if I'm able to live for today, not focusing on what could've been or what should be, but simply appreciating what is. Another day is before me. An opportunity to live and love people. An opportunity to be content in God.
If you are single, say this sentence out loud "Marriage is not the meaning of life." Louder!. . .okay, not that loud. We mustn't try to find our life's meaning in marriage. We're not going to be married in Heaven. Marriage is temporary, like everything else in this world. What you are doing right now and whatever you do later on today- going to work, mowing the lawn, grocery shopping, getting a haircut- it's all temporary. Most of it is quite meaningless. After all, it's not about what you're doing, but it's about why you are doing it. If it's not for God's glory in some way, either directly or indirectly, then it's meaningless. And you will feel a divine discontentment in your soul. Similarly, if you invest in marriage only for the sake of having a good marriage, then it is meaningless. But if you are truly doing it for God's glory, then it will shine as eternal gold.
Here's my new outlook on the matter. I am not going to expect marriage to grant me contentment. 1 Timothy says that "Godliness with contentment is great gain." Apparently, godliness is linked with contentment, it has nothing to do with circumstances. It is a godliness that contents itself in an unchanging God. It is possible to be "godly" and yet not content yourself in God. That's where most Christians err. I want to achieve that sort of steadfast, divine contentment before I get married, so that I don't put impossible pressure on my wife to make me happy. I'm not going to enter into a relationship with the idea that we will fix each other. Only God can fix us. I want to get married for the sole purpose of loving God more through our togetherness.
Yesterday, I was trying to be content with life as usual, not just concerning relationships, but with everything. I prayed "God, if you want me to settle, then I will settle." He told me not to pray that anymore. It seems that there is a place for godly contentment, but there is also room for godly discontentment. If you've read the Bible, then you will notice that God never told people to get comfortable. God is not a very good massage therapist. He always imposes on people's comforts, roughing them up a little. That's fine with me, I get bored easily.
Anyway, each day seems to be a temporal bridge between yesterday and tomorrow. My world is changing, I am changing. I know I am in the fold of providence, and so whatever bridge I am on right now, is a bridge worth crossing. I want to keep moving forward, following hard on God's heels, and God is always on the move. But I also need to learn to enjoy the journey, laughing and singing along the way. Say it again-"Marriage is not the meaning of life." Maybe, we should stop asking "What is the meaning of life?" and start asking "What is the meaning of today?"
The other day, I realized that a germ of a lie had crept into my head. The lie is this-I will be happy if I get married. I wonder how many people enter into marriage or a dating relationship expecting the other person to fix them. Is that what marriage is all about? Just another self-improvement method? People parrot the words "It is not good that man should be alone," but as singles, we hear them saying "As long as you're unmarried, you will be unhappy and broken." Jesus wasn't married, and apparently it was good for him to "be alone." Anyway, that verse about man being alone, was uttered in the context of Adam being the only human being on the planet, he was utterly alone. No friends, no family. For some reason, people quote that verse as if marriage is the cure to loneliness. However, I know that their are many married people who still feel lonely. Be that as it may, it is interesting that Adam had unfiltered communion with God, and yet he was declared to be alone. Evidently, we need people, and that's okay. God designed most people for marriage. It's okay to love God with all your heart and still desire to be married. We were designed for fellowship with others, and marriage seems to be the deepest fellowship that we can have with another human being. It involves sharing absolutely everything. It involves being absolutely naked with somebody. It involves sex, the indelible bonding of two souls. Marriage is the confluence of two lives.
These days, there is a lot of talk about living in the present, the now, as a means to contentment. A couple years ago, I took a world religions class. I learned that Buddhism places a heavy emphasis on living in the now. Our assignment was to go into the MacDonald Forest and try to fully exist in the moment. It was the opposite of escapism. I was to drink in my surroundings and become fully aware of my thoughts and senses. It was an attempt to freeze time. It was very calming. It was also very difficult. It is tricky to think about what you are thinking about. Sometimes, people ask me what I'm thinking about, and I don't know what to say, because my mind feels like a buzzing beehive. Anyway, I stood in that forest, trying to think about what I was thinking about. And then the most annoying question popped up-Why? Why am I doing this? What is the point of being so engrossed in the moment that I have to go stand in a forest by myself? Dwelling on myself is depressing, not liberating. With that in mind, I can't think of any scriptures about the importance of living in the moment, but I can think of several verses about living one day at a time. We're told to not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough worries of its own. We're told to pray "Give us this day our daily bread." We're told to hold our future plans loosely, and say "Lord willing, we will do this or that," because we have no idea what will happen tomorrow. And we're told to not look back once we've put our hand to the plow. Naturally, it seems that all of my discontentment flows from living too much in the past or in the future. I will only be content if I'm able to live for today, not focusing on what could've been or what should be, but simply appreciating what is. Another day is before me. An opportunity to live and love people. An opportunity to be content in God.
If you are single, say this sentence out loud "Marriage is not the meaning of life." Louder!. . .okay, not that loud. We mustn't try to find our life's meaning in marriage. We're not going to be married in Heaven. Marriage is temporary, like everything else in this world. What you are doing right now and whatever you do later on today- going to work, mowing the lawn, grocery shopping, getting a haircut- it's all temporary. Most of it is quite meaningless. After all, it's not about what you're doing, but it's about why you are doing it. If it's not for God's glory in some way, either directly or indirectly, then it's meaningless. And you will feel a divine discontentment in your soul. Similarly, if you invest in marriage only for the sake of having a good marriage, then it is meaningless. But if you are truly doing it for God's glory, then it will shine as eternal gold.
Here's my new outlook on the matter. I am not going to expect marriage to grant me contentment. 1 Timothy says that "Godliness with contentment is great gain." Apparently, godliness is linked with contentment, it has nothing to do with circumstances. It is a godliness that contents itself in an unchanging God. It is possible to be "godly" and yet not content yourself in God. That's where most Christians err. I want to achieve that sort of steadfast, divine contentment before I get married, so that I don't put impossible pressure on my wife to make me happy. I'm not going to enter into a relationship with the idea that we will fix each other. Only God can fix us. I want to get married for the sole purpose of loving God more through our togetherness.
Yesterday, I was trying to be content with life as usual, not just concerning relationships, but with everything. I prayed "God, if you want me to settle, then I will settle." He told me not to pray that anymore. It seems that there is a place for godly contentment, but there is also room for godly discontentment. If you've read the Bible, then you will notice that God never told people to get comfortable. God is not a very good massage therapist. He always imposes on people's comforts, roughing them up a little. That's fine with me, I get bored easily.
Anyway, each day seems to be a temporal bridge between yesterday and tomorrow. My world is changing, I am changing. I know I am in the fold of providence, and so whatever bridge I am on right now, is a bridge worth crossing. I want to keep moving forward, following hard on God's heels, and God is always on the move. But I also need to learn to enjoy the journey, laughing and singing along the way. Say it again-"Marriage is not the meaning of life." Maybe, we should stop asking "What is the meaning of life?" and start asking "What is the meaning of today?"
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