"Romance" is one of those words that you think you have a firm grasp on until you try to define it and then it doesn't sound quite as romantic. It is relatively tied to the definition of "love" which is equally as shifty. But if I want to be a romantic and if I am to romance another then what exactly is romance?
When we try to define romance we usually resort to describing romance in action. We say things like "Romance involves candlelight dinners and exotic vacations and poetic serenades and dancing into the night." I don't doubt that those are wonderful manifestations of romance, but is that it? I wonder if a relationship could have those activities and yet not have romance. And it seems that if those are the only benchmarks of romance then we are doomed to a romance that is inconsistent and will soon grow tired. Sure, romance thrives on adventure and chivalry and intimacy and thoughtfulness, but where does it all begin? What fuels that romance that so tickles the soul?
We must always rethink where our standard for romance is coming from. Magazines? Movies? Novels? The Bachelor or the Bachelorette? (Bad news, most of those relationships haven't lasted very long once the cameras stopped rolling.) The world peddles a romance that divorces itself from reality to the point of becoming unattainable. When we don't find that kind of romance in the real world then we exile our hearts to the magazines and movies and novels and TV shows, all of which are after our money and not our well-being. For us Christians, vigilance is quite necessary if we are to avoid buying into the deceitful patterns of this world. Afterall, the most dangerous lies are those that speak so sweetly to our hearts until we see the truth as the enemy. The Bible presents many ironies. It tells us that we will find our life when we lose it. When we run after happiness then we feel very unhappy. It becomes that carrot, always just out of reach. You never feel like you can do enough to arrive at bliss. Likewise, when romance becomes our number one priority, then it becomes our god. We originally expect that god to serve us, but later realize that we are the slave. I must always remind the romantic within that he too exists to serve the true living God.
I looked up "romance" in the dictionary and didn't find a suitable definition, so I feel some liberty to discover it for myself, instead of following someone else's recipe. Naturally, the artist in me desires a romance that is fresh and spontaneous and full of possibilities, anything but scripted. Afterall, I find that happy moments cannot be bought or engineered. I don't think that romance can be defined because it is not a one-size-fits-all formula. It looks different depending on the person you are romancing, it calls for a custom fitting. Giving a dozen roses to someone who is allergic to roses would hardly be romantic. At any rate, it seems that the key to obtaining romance begins with the desire to make someone else feel romanced. It hinges on knowing them, caring enough to understand what makes them feel understood, and then specializing in what makes them feel special. The best romantics are those that know how to improvise.
The curious thing about romance is that it must be given in order to be enjoyed. It is like electricity which requires a current in order to feel it. Romance is designed to flow in and out, instead of being absorbed. It goes both ways. It is always better to give than to recieve. It's not unlike the old proverb that says "He who desires to have friends must be friendly." In other words, in order to get romance we must be ready to give it. I heard a speaker say that many couples approach a relationship as if it's to be 50/50, so that each one of them are merely concerned with contributing their 50 percent, as long as the other person holds up their end of the bargain. But the speaker said that that's all wrong and that both people should have the mindset that they are both contributing 100 percent no matter what.
Oddly enough, many Christians discount the element of romance in relationships, as if it's a childish fling. I don't share that sentiment. Piety and passion don't have to be at odds with each other, in fact they provide a beautiful symmetry. The apostle Paul said that marriage is actually the outlet for those who are burning with passion. Yes, I'll take spicy, sizzling romance thank you very much. God doesn't seem to like lukewarmness either. Personally, I cringe at the thought of being in a relationship without romance. What can I say? I am a lovesick soul. Guilty as charged.
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Hey, good to hear from you again. This post is insightful as usual. I liked everything you said, but this was my favorite part..."At any rate, it seems that the key to obtaining romance begins with the desire to make someone else feel romanced. It hinges on knowing them, caring enough to understand what makes them feel understood, and then specializing in what makes them feel special. The best romantics are those that know how to improvise." I keep wondering how you came upon this information:)The funny thing about romance or happiness, it seems that when we try to create it, we can't find it, the best times just happen when you aren't expecting it.
ReplyDeletewelcome back, ry.
ReplyDeleteI fell in love with your words. You are a great writer and you seem to write from your soul. Thank you for sharing. Reading your blog makes me feel like I'm not insane and that there are other people who are just as lost as I am when it comes to relationships and love. Not sure that finding comfort in your confusion and sadness is necessarily a good thing... either way your writing is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteThe term "Romance" comes from the Vulgar Latin adverb romanice, derived from Romanicus: for instance, in the expression romanice loqui, "to speak in Roman" From this adverb the noun romance originated, which applied initially to anything written romanice, or "in the Roman vernacular".
ReplyDeleteThe word romance with the modern sense of romance novel or love affair has the same origin. In the medieval literature of Western Europe, serious writing was usually in Latin, while popular tales, often focusing on love, were composed in the vernacular and came to be called "romances".
When I think of romance I think mainly of a feeling that really closely resembles nostalgia.
Nostalgia happens when we least expect it. For me it happens when I smell an old familiar smell whether it's a perfume or a certain food or even the smell of a new car. Then, sometimes it happens to me when I hear old favorite song from my youth. Instantly I'm back and revisiting a favorite childhood spot that I haven't been to for years and I may find myself musing about the "good old days" (or even the bad old days in some instances.) Regardless of whether they were good or bad though we are experiencing a feeling that we can't quite put our finger on let alone begin to define.
Romance is a lot like that. We can't create it by trying. It just happens. Even though it's abstract it's still very real.
The main thing that makes nostalgia powerful is longing. Longing just for a moment to "go back in time". That longing creates and ache. It makes us feel for a moment as if there is a hollow space inside us but the irony is that the hollow space, while feeling sort of empty and lonely, at the same time fills us up and we get a sort of feeling that all is well. Kinda like when we're walking down a sidewalk and not paying attention and we step of the curb. Just for a moment we're not sure just how far we're going to fall then our feet finds the earth and the momentary uncertainty turns into security and it's exhilarating!
Romance is like that. It's longing, uncertainty, and exhilarating. I'm pretty sure that's why some of the "romance" of marriage (let me see, "fade" is the wrong word here...how about "tempered") Yes, the romance becomes tempered. It changes in nature. There is no longer the uncertainty or the longing. Therefore vital ingredients are missing to create romance but something has taken their place. Safety. Ahh, I love safety. It's a new kind of exhilaration. It's not necessarily better or worse than before but it's different and good and even great.
Never fear lovesick soul. Even when the romance changes into something different you have not suffered loss but rather you have gained something other that is just as good only different and in many ways even better. What does not fade is the passion. That is provided both people invest 100% into the relationship.