Truth be told, I wrote most of this about 3 weeks ago but hesitated to post it. Mostly because I was becoming increasingly concerned that this blog could be mistaken for some sort of personal ad or cry for help, which couldn't be farther from what I set out to do. I wondered if it was an omen when I noticed that even an online dating company had left a comment under one of my posts. Oh well. . . .
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Sometimes the idea of an arranged marriage is very appealing. Like in the good ol' Bible days. Back when people married less for love, and more for socioeconomic advantage or for diplomatic reasons. Couples would be betrothed to each other at a young age, via their parents, and then groomed for their predestined wedding day. What a relief that would be to have those hair-pulling decisions completely out of your hands. Who to marry? When to marry? There is a part of me that likes control and there's a part of me that loathes it. To be completely in control of your life means that you are the only one to blame if things don't turn out well. In the land of liberty, sometimes freedom of choice feels like a curse to the picky and the fickle among us. To be perfectly honest, I am terrified of marrying the wrong person. Or being the wrong person for her. But more than that, as much as I pray about it, I'm wary of missing the right person. Yet in a way, all of this is not just up to me, because ultimately there will be a girl involved who has to make a lifelong decision as well. And then you have friends and family and even random strangers who are glad to offer their omniscient opinions on the matter. Still, an arranged marriage sounds inviting. Someone might say that God is arranging my marriage and I would wholeheartedly agree. And yet it's not quite the same, because alas, I still have a big decision to make.
It's interesting that psychologists have found that the more choices we are presented with, the more unhappy we are. The reason being that when we choose something, we worry that we didn't make the right decision, which causes stress. So the more choices we have then the more opportunity we have for mistakes and regret. So, we are actually more happy if we have less choices. Hence, the appeal of arranged marriage. However, the irony is that we love our freedom of choice, and we love to keep our options open. Hence, the aversion to arranged marriage.
The funny thing about my trepidation is that I'm not even dating someone right now. It's a classic case of putting the proverbial cart before the horse, and in this case, my horse is actually a winged unicorn that was last spotted flying over Nevada. Nevertheless, I've always felt that it's not right to date unless you're considering marriage. Hmm, maybe the answer is arranged dating. Maybe, arranged dating is the only hope for our gridlocked generation to jumpstart our love lives. All of the matchmakers out there are now pumping their fists and chanting "Amen!" But wait a minute, in order for it to be true arranged dating, then you'd need a fair and balanced liaison (and I'm not talking about a Fox-news reporter), someone who is a trustworthy friend to both parties involved. Otherwise, they'd have a one-sided agenda. Or you could have two liaisons working together, one representing the girl and one representing the guy. That would be closer to how an arranged marriage functions. In the case of an arranged marriage you have two sets of parents involved, which provides a system of checks and balances and equal representation. So. . .how much do you trust your friends? How well do your friends know you? Enough to let them decide who your next boyfriend or girlfriend will be?
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Before Christmas break, when the topic of relationships was exceptionally "buzzy", there was a night a sm group of us told each other what kind of person we felt each of us needed to be with. What personality traits we needed in a significant other to balance, stregthen, and challenge those of our own. The discussion was with mixed company, and with friends that were very close and trustworthy... it was great to hear their opinions and personally, I felt that my friends were spot on for me.
ReplyDeleteSomething I have noticed in myself is that I tend to be fearful to even enter into an official relational status in fear of it being the wrong choice, the wrong person, the wrong time. Dating is supposed to be the learning place where we find out if the deal is on or off, but too many times we try to figure it all out prematurely. However, I'm not saying that its okay to just jump into relationship after relationship without some knowledge that it could be a fit.
Thanks for posting Ry. I think by you putting your thoughts on paper so-to-speak, you enable all of us to think more deeply about things that are already swirling about in our minds.
Ryan Ryan Ryan....I'm a nursing student, and one of my clinical instructors said to me at the end of a rotation, "you know what your problem is, you think too much." She said this because I have the tendency to hang back and theorize the "what ifs" for too long. I always think I need to know everything about something before moving forward.(I think you can probably see my point in bringing this up) Obviously marriage is one of the most important decisions you make in your life so it's extremely important to choose wisely and give it considerable thought, yet at the same time I do think it's possible to "think too much." It's a tough one! Its like, where's the balance of my action and God's sovereign provision. I don't want to seek so aggressively that I make it all about "my" will, yet I can't just sit around forever waiting for my true love to descend from golden clouds serenading me as a voice from heaven says "behold your good and perfect gift." It's a difficult process for sure. I think we make it too complicated though. And then there is the tension between waiting for our ideal and settling. We don't want to settle, but we don't really know if our ideal exists. Honestly, the more I think about it the more confused I get so sometimes it's easier to just set it aside and secretly hope for my perfect counterpart to just show up out of nowhere and sweep me off my feet and I'll be like, hey, I knew you were out there somewhere:) it's about time! haha...anyways, just ask a girl out Ryan. a date does not equal dating. are you worried about hurting someones feelings if you go out with them once and then never call them again? they will survive. good luck with everything:)
ReplyDeletedating is a horrible institution, but, unfortunately our current culture has no better alternative, so we throw ourselves into from time to time and hope we come out on top? Does that sound a little inhuman? Probably. I was thinking, not too long ago, about the "bad luck" I've had with guys... not knowing why they break up with me if they were the ones who said they wanted to marry me? BUT. I was thinking (not quite as good as praying, but still good nonetheless), that at my wedding (assuming I don't go into nunhood), when I marry the man I ought to marry, I might give a toast to my exboyfriends and thank them for breaking up with me. What a great thought. There's no way God could see me go through the sh*t (pardon my censored French)if he didn't have a better plan in mind. Cliche? Probably. But very true. Blind dating is what we do with ourselves, but maybe arranged dating is just waiting on the timing of Someone (God) and someone (future spouse), and hardly paying attention to our worries. Heavenly timing is way better than nature's timing.
ReplyDeleteGood post. Sorry for the serious comment. I know you had whimsicality in mind and weren't begging for advice. This isn't advice. Just my thoughts. :)
Haha, I feel the same way! My thoughts were flying along these lines when God literally told me the same words you used: "You're putting the cart before the horse!" hehe. I think it's funnier now than I thought at the moment.
ReplyDeleteI love that God arranges our marriages! I know He does! But my thoughts have been wrestling with the idea lately of where the point of God moving and practical steps on earth meet in time together. I haven't totally figured it out yet (maybe we just make it too complicated), so as an easy way, I finally thought, "I wish someone would just set me up!" LOL! But like you said, well, a fair and balanced set-up for both by people who know you both would be nice! Not that that's the only way, but maybe there's nothing wrong with that. How do we make a choice unless we get to know someone? Where does God moving and our moving meet together?
I think it's just like anything else in our walk with God; we pray, we seek, we ask, we wait, we take a step of faith. He shows us one step at a time...and He doesn't get angry when we make a mistake (if our heart is in the right place.
ReplyDeleteI am tired of being afraid of what I may do wrong or if I will miss my chance at all! He has not given us a spirit of fear. God is faithful so He will provide.
Arranged marriage does sound easier sometimes but we have an amazing gift of being able to choose. If we just work at being the biggest blessing we can to our future mates and plan on marriage being a life of servanthood we can't go wrong. The only thing we have to fear,is fear itself ;)(couldn't resist!)