1st Ammendment or not, I would like to apologize to my married readers for my post entitled "What Is The Point of Marriage?" But I'm not exactly sorry for writing it. I was simply posing some questions and processing out loud, which was the point for me starting this whole blog in the first place. I think it's a shame when people can't openly discuss otherwise taboo questions. Asking questions is the only way to learn. And I like to learn. But here's where the apology comes in. I'm sorry that I didn't complete my thought and I left some married people with the wrong impression. The challenge for writers is to get their tone right, and apparently I didn't. I came across as blithely disrespectful to people who have worked hard at their marriage and have stayed together for a long time. That definitely wasn't my intent. It seems that miscommunication is not always in the words you say but in what you leave out. I was simply trying to probe deeper into the meaning of marriage and what it means to have a good marriage. I was kind of poking fun at some of the platitudes, but I think some people took it personally. And rightly so, because marriage is a rather personal thing. Not to mention the fact that all of this is coming from someone who is single and has zero experience being married. Which is why I write as an inquisitive student, not as a teacher.
Anyway, I would like to honor my parents who have been married for 32 years. I was there for most of their marriage because I was the firstborn. I witnessed the whole 'happily ever after' firsthand. It wasn't perfect, but it was real and alive. When I look at their marriage now, I see lustrous gold that has been refined in life's fire. I think their marriage is better than it's ever been, filled with a tempered peace and joy that had to be fought for. God's fingerprints are all over it. I know that many married couples stay together for the kids and I am so grateful that my parents loved us enough to keep us all under one roof. I truly believe that they have a successful marriage, a marriage that is about staying together but also so much more than that. It's about love.
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To me, the original post read more like a critique of how marriage is *portrayed*, especially by married people, from the perspective of an unmarried person; it didn't exactly read like a disdainful look at why marriage exists. If the response to that blog post is a scripture-by-scripture look at how God ordained marriage, I think that misses your point. And if someone was offended... why should a young unmarried person's momentary bleak assessment of marriage unsettle someone in a stable Christ-centered relationship enough to cause offence? If I were a married man who noticed someone making a comment that lacked perspective, I hope I would try to get that person's perspective, and then look for an appropriate way to share mine. If I, as a young person, wasn't sure whether marriage was anything more than a 50/50 blend of blessing and frustration which primarily serves to make man less alone and make children, then I would hope that someone who knew better would sensitively try to explain the missing parts of my perspective. That's what I'd be interested in hearing.
ReplyDeleteYour post very well may have had some "words you left out" and some miscommunication, but I would propose that sometimes, the way in which married people talk about their marriage does too.
If I am right in thinking that part of your post was about how married couples sometimes seem to talk about marriage as something that has merely been endured for X number of years, then your point should remain valid. Yes, "he who finds a wife finds a good thing". Ryan, I don't think you were just having trouble finding a concordance when you wrote that blog. For me, (also a single person), it seems that the difficulties of marriage are often described in much more eloquent terms than its benefits. (J. Ivers)
No apology necessary Ryan. Don’t ever varnish your insights and opinions since “varnishing” is just another way of saying that we’re not being completely honest. Your honest and heartfelt thoughts are what keep this blog vibrant.
ReplyDeleteThat being said I’d like to offer one short unvarnished perspective:
Most young singles have never been married but each and every one of us married “folks” have been single. When we make a comment or an observation we are doing so from a platform of experience having seen both sides of the coin. Singles can only speculate, guess, theorize and hypothesize what marriage must be like or should be like and the ideals run rampant. Married folks know from experience what being single is like and what being married is like. It would probably be a good idea for singles to tune in a little more raptly when a married folk pipes up. I’m just sayin’.
well said eric!!
ReplyDeleteAmen Eric, I always appreciate your articulate insights from an experienced perspective. Although I'm not sure that all married people's experiences have led them to a healthy perspective. Be that as it may, many of my blog thoughts stem from conversations that I've had with wise married folk like yourself, so they're not all idealistic:)
ReplyDeleteYou're right Joe, I wasn't poo-poo'ing marriage. I do want to get married someday, and believe that it is a good gift from God. I was indeed challenging the way it is portrayed.
Ryan, you are so right in your observation that not all married people's experiences have led them to a healthy perspective.
ReplyDeleteI suppose an "Apology to singles" is necessary.
It is so unfortunate that many of us who are supposed to be older and wiser wind up only getting older but none the wiser. We suppose that just because we're older that by default we must be wiser right? Not necessarily.
Often times I think it is our arrogance that drives young people away and builds that wall between the generations. Id like to say to my generation that it's high time we get wiser and not just older and perhaps really work on practicing humility. Then just maybe some of the youngsters would tune in more often.
I'd like to say to the 20 somethings and the 30 somethings a huge SORRY. Please be patient with us as we learn and grow. Don't let our failures taint your view of God or Truth or age old tried and true precepts. Don't reinvent the wheel because you see how we messed it up.
Society, culture and perception may change but remember we serve a God who changes not and His ways are higher than our ways.
"If it's new it isn't true. If it's true it isn't new" unknown author
Ryan, thank you for your closing paragraph about your parents' (my brother and wonderful friend/sister-in law). I've been there for those 32 years as well and have such an admiration for their love and tenacity.
ReplyDeleteYou and your siblings are not only spectators to their marriage, but integral part of the story.
Ryan, I love what you said about posing otherwise taboo questions. I think you are exactly right - it is the ONLY way to get the conversations started.
ReplyDeleteI love that you're starting conversations and inviting other people to speak into them... I feel so strongly that engaging in these conversations is the most valuable thing we can do.
A friend sent me your blog and I'm just peeking around :) I also keep a blog that talks about single life and dating, from the female perspective obviously, since I'm a female. You might be interested to check it out.
http://allyspotts.com
Anyway, here's to conversation. Thanks for writing.