Sometimes I hate love. Sometimes it seems like an awfully mean trick or a cruel lesson that is never learned. . .
We don't get a second try at this thing called life. I wish we could've had a practice run or a crash course or something. We constantly face situations that we've never encountered before and we constantly make mistakes. What else can be expected of us? Everything is so clear in hindsight. I wish I had that sort of clarity in the present. Most days I feel like a rat in a maze, as if I'm part of God's science experiment. And I keep running into dead ends.
I've been struggling with the question of whether or not there is only one soul-mate for each of us. For me, that's always been more of a philosophical question, but now it's personal. The reason being, I have a gut-wrenching feeling that I let my soul-mate get away. I had my chance and now she's married to someone else. That's that. Forever. I keep replaying the past in my mind hoping to get back there and do things differently. I keep trying to remember what exactly was running through my mind back then. The problem is that our memories are so biased and clouded. I don't know if I'm replaying reality or not. Maybe, I wouldn't do things differently if I had it to do over again. But I feel like I really messed up God's plan for me. And now I'm left questioning whether God can bring along another soul-mate, a second chance. I'm trying to believe in the impossible, but the past continues to badger and bludgeon my hope. My heart literally aches, it hasn't ached like this in a long time. I'm trying to give it all to God because nursing these regrets seems very sinful and pointless and deadly.
I always feel like sad situations have worth if I learn something from them. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to learn from this. Sometimes, I get tired of learning lessons. But maybe, I'm supposed to learn what true love really looks like. I have a better idea now. And if by some miracle I see it again, I will recognize it and I won't let it get away this time. My only consolation is that I know that God sees the future, and that He knew that I would be in this very predicament. It's not a surprise to Him. So, I hope He has a back-up plan. I hope there is greater grace ahead, grace enough to quiet the past. What haunts me is that it is possible to miss out on blessings that God has for us. That's not a feel-good truth, but it is the truth nevertheless. With love comes freewill, and with freewill comes the freedom to live outside God's will. However, I wasn't trying to go against God's will. I was trying to wait. I was trying to be cautious out of reverence for God's will. But often my overly cautious nature results in gridlocked ambivalence. Sometimes, I fear that I am the servant in the parable who hid his talents and didn't take risks, because of his fear of God. God help me if that's the problem.
Fortunately, I believe in a big God, a God that turns bad things into good things. My prayer is that someone better will come along, someone better suited for me, someone that I'm better for. And I pray that I will look back and see that this whole thing was God's plan all along. And if I did miss true love, then I will dare to believe that He is still a God of second chances. Maybe, this is not a lesson in love after all, but a lesson in faith.
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The idea of a soul mate originated in ancient Greece. The myth holds that human beings were originally a kind of unisex being with four arms, four legs, and two faces and that Zeus had them separated into two beings and sent out into the world. Since that time each individual being has been in search of their “other half”, the perfect mate that completes them where once again the two can become one. This is probably not the “soul mate” you are referring to since I’m pretty certain you are not a believer in Greek mythology.
ReplyDeleteWebster defines “soul mate” as: 1 : a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament 2 : a person who strongly resembles another in attitudes or beliefs.
Since “perfect” and “person” should never go together in the same sentence unless one is referring to Jesus; I think I’d throw out #1 or at least change “perfect” to “well”.
I’m certain that in this world we will each of us find several soul mates. It is rare to meet one but when one does it seems there is an instant friendship formed. (David and Jonathon come to mind.) In my own life I’ve managed to find a few. (My grandpa, my two brothers, a girlfriend in high school and one in bible collage, and my wife of now 13 years.) I look forward to finding more along the way. When I said “girlfriend” above I did not mean a romantic friend but simply a friend who was a girl. Although, I did later develop a romantic attraction to and proposed to the woman from bible collage. For one reason or another she was not ready for marriage although she too shared romantic feelings for me. She is now 43 and has never been married. We are still friends and speak once every year or so but I have to place limits on our friendship now that I’m married as I would never want to in any way allow my heart to stray in her direction.
It’s so important for each and every one of us to be continually looking for deep and lasting friendships instead of romance. I really relate to a couple of the lines from the movie, “The Wedding Planner”. One such line is, “Love is not complicated. Love is just Love.” The other is told by the father as he reflects back on his arranged marriage. He tells how that each of them was in love with another when they got married but in order to honor their parents they married anyway. “As time went on”, he says, “We began to appreciate one another. Appreciation grew to respect, respect grew to like, and like grew to love.”
Love is not mysterious. Our hearts are though! When one’s heart is healthy and knitted to God’s and encounters another’s who is likewise whole and knitted to God it is inevitable that friendship and companionship will result. Perhaps that encounter will be with the opposite sex. I suggest you marry such a one seeing as how rare it is to meet a true friend. Don’t let the next one get away.
Finally, here’s a note of caution. When once one becomes married it is critical to cease looking for another soul mate of the same sex. It’s too easy to let our hearts begin to play tricks with our minds and one may find one’s self drawn to romantic attachment. There are many adulterous relationships (even in the church) and I’m sure that this is often how they get started. A married man should first and foremost be a soul mate to and best friends with his wife and then only with other men and vise-versa.
Sweet Ryan you didn't miss anything; you are just lonely right now, and when we get lonely we optimize our past relationships. Its hard to go through seasons of loneliness, but like you said, and like we have to believe, God is a BIG God Who is able to overcome loneliness and restore comfort and peace. God is faithful, and He will reconcile that relationship in your heart and in so doing, will continue to prepare you to become one flesh. Delight in His True Love, Ryan, and don't let seeds of doubt and fear overshadow who Christ is and who you are in Christ.
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ReplyDeleteEric, how in the heck did you get so smart? Anyway, thanks for the insight, it's very helpful to know the origin of the "soul-mate" maxim. I like you're perspective on valuing friendship over romance, and I agree with your word of caution 100 percent.
ReplyDeleteLeslie, you're right about our memories optimizing the past, so that we think we had it better back then, when in fact it was less than divine. Thank you for your thoughts.
I agree with both Eric and Leslie wholeheartedly.
ReplyDeleteAfter all, my mom and dad were truly soulmates. They loved each other completely and had a strong marriage that truly lasted 'till death did they part', when my mom died from cancer almost 5 years ago. Just this last year, God brought a wonderful woman into my dad's life, and they are now happily married. I believe that they too, are soulmates. Perhaps not in the exact same way of course, but just as much so.
At the same time, I know where you are coming from in a way... This may sound weird since I am only 17, but I have had 2 boyfriends, with whom I had very deep, life-impacting relationships with. Looking back I wonder why things couldn't have stayed there. I was so happy. Yet even though I look on the past with regrets and "what if's", I have to trust that one day God will reveal to me the young man I will end up marrying.
Perhaps this is a bit different as I am not yet old enough to marry, but I believe my feelings are very similar to yours.
Just keep trusting in God, Ryan. His Word does not return to him void. =)
if she was the one you would have known at the time. don't give up Ryan, she's still out there.
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