Mmm Good

I'm enjoying a steaming cup of coffee with a splash of cream. I'm enjoying the earthy serenade of Jack Johnson in the background. I'm enjoying the crispness of the morning, ushering in a day that has never happened before. And more than anything, I'm enjoying God.

I recently realized how often my prayers begin with the phrase "I'm sorry." In view of God, I'm always sorry for something. I'm sorry I did this, I'm sorry I didn't do that, I'm sorry I'm like this, I'm sorry I said that, I'm sorry I thought that, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. If it's not one thing then it's another. Moreover, I've realized how much of my Christianity is compelled by guilt rather than love. And how much I try to add to the work of the cross and earn forgiveness by punishing myself and undergoing a non-stop cycle of self-flagellation. So often I misplace the heart of my faith. I begin to see God as a tightly-wound referee ready to blow the whistle on everything I do wrong. Nobody likes referees, and it's hard to love a God like that.

There is certainly a place for being sorry. The Bible says that godly sorrow brings repentance. But the whole point of repentance is to throw open the curtains and let forgiveness shine in. I wonder at what point do we simply walk in the confidence and freedom that we are completely forgiven and declared innocent forever? At what point do we get past the pummeling waves of condemnation and out into the open sea where we lay back and relax in the calm warmth of God?

You don't have to attend church for very long before the "do's and don'ts" of Christianity worm their way into your soul. Don't sleep around, don't get drunk, don't cuss, don't lie, don't steal, don't kill people (it's not polite), don't read Harry Potter. We get it. But we often lose sight of the reality that beyond the rules, ultimately, we were meant to simply enjoy God. It is a miserable thing when obligation chokes out adoration. A kiss of duty is hardly loving.

It's interesting that God created so many delightful things in this world. For instance, He created food, not only to serve a practical purpose by keeping our bodies alive, but He gave us sensitive taste buds to savor the myriad of mouth-watering flavors, the delicate nuances of spices and sauces. Food is delicious, and we enjoy it. And He created sex to be enjoyed within the fire pit of marriage. He could've created sex simply to serve the purpose of reproduction, instead He designed it be hot and passionate. He created the aesthetic of nature to be pleasing to our eyes. The Bible says that we can see the invisible attributes of God in His creation, like any piece of art that is an extension of the artist. He handcrafted food and sex and nature, and they all speak of the reality that God is to be enjoyed. He is truly good. The next time you address God, hear Him hush your guilt-ridden words and feel Him snatch you up, tossing you into the air and catching you in His kind arms. Laugh. Live. Breathe. Enjoy.

My Big Fat Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is almost here. Alas, I don't have a Valentine. But don't worry, this isn't going to be a "poor me" sort of blog. The truth is that I've never liked Valentine's Day, even when I've had a girlfriend to celebrate it with. It always brings with it so much commercialization and pressure and competition and letdown. I'm not sure I understand the point of it all. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for romance, but why do we need a holiday to exploit it? Must we profane the sanctuary of the heart with cheap novelties? Do I sound bitter? I'm really not. Hmm, I just realized that I feel the same way during Valentine's Day as I feel at a wedding. I don't feel jealous or depressed or anything like that, I just feel cornered and interrogated. I ask myself many merciless questions like: Ryan, why are you single? After all, singleness really is a choice. I could be with somebody if I really wanted to be. That's not prideful, all of us choose singleness one way or another. Some of us are holding out for the best, some of us have been hurt too much by past relationships, some of us really enjoy our liberty, some of us are too scared to put ourselves out there. At times like this, I also question what exactly I'm looking for.

At the risk of sounding overly quixotic, I'm looking for a girl that causes me to stop looking altogether. I'm looking for a love that carries our hearts to new heavens. I'm looking for that delicate hand that fits so perfectly in mine, as if it was there all along. I want to love someone completely, so as to gladly exile myself into the silk of her eyes. I hope that each kiss will unlock a deeper yearning to be closer and closer still. I want a love that will never stop laughing and singing in the face of life's brooding tempest. I want an immortal love. Is all of this too much to ask? Am I a fool to suffer such high hopes? I hope not. If none of this is possible then I'd rather not love at all, for it has nothing more to offer. And yet, I choose to believe in many things that are foolish. I do believe in love. A married man might say that I don't know anything about love. But I'm not convinced that married people are experts on love just because they're married. Look at all the marriage counseling, not to mention the divorces. Let's face it, nobody has love figured out. As for me, I choose to believe in a love that defies the odds. A love that abides at the threshold of heaven and earth. I choose to believe in a love that unveils a much better world. Not a love with an expiration date. Of course, God agrees with me on all of this. Or I agree with God. Either way, we're both right. Anyway, I guess, Jesus will be my only Valentine this year. Sorry, too bad, I asked Him first.

Ravenous

Our church has been fasting together this week. Yeah, it's a little weird, like most spiritual things, but it's biblical. I think that anytime you do something out of the ordinary then it gives opportunity for the extraordinary. So, we are interrupting our routines hoping that God will do whatever He wants to do. We are huddled on a slippery precipice, looking foolish in order to see something amazing. The expectancy is raw and electric.

God hasn't done any magic tricks yet. Nothing phenomenal has happened so far, at least nothing visible. At church, we sing about fire a lot, but so far nobody has spontaneously combusted. One time, the fire alarm went off during a Sunday morning, perhaps God was taking us literally. Anyway, if people want a good firework display then they should go to Disneyland. The fireworks there are crazy awesome, full of lasers and fireballs and a flying Tinkerbell. But it seems like God rarely works like that. Even when people claim to be healed of something, usually you can't really see it. And when someone is born again, they usually look pretty much the same on the surface, except that there is an air of love and peace about them that wasn't there before. It seems that God is more concerned with what is happening underneath it all. He's always been preoccupied with the condition of hearts. He wants to go deeper than surface level symptoms. He wants changed hearts, not just good ratings. This week, the tone of many prayers has been that of heartfelt yearning. Yearning for God-knows-what, just something that only God could do.

I know for me, my growling hunger pangs for God have been louder than usual. I think it all starts there. With desire. We must first nurture the desire for more. We will not see God do miraculous things with us if we don't desire it. And in order to love madly, we first desire to love. Our passions for earthly things must me rerouted toward God. That is why we cannot serve two masters. Our passion is so one tracked, it's more like obsession. We feed our imaginations until they find an open door into reality. In the end, our deepest desires navigate us. That is why we are fasting. Of course, eating food is not bad. But we slave for the whims of our flesh all too much, and sometimes we must remind our flesh that it is not our God. We prove that Jesus is our first love when we are willing to give up other loves for Him. It would be ridiculous to have girls hanging on both my arms and tell them each that they are the only one for me. Love is never content with halfheartedness. What if we became obsessed with God? There's really only one alternative. . .

Fireproof

I think I might be the last person to watch "Fireproof." I watched it yesterday. I put off watching it because I didn't want to watch another cheesy low-budget Christian movie starring Kirk Cameron. That and I'm not married (that's not a cry for help). Anyway, it exceeded my low expectations and I found myself vicariously engaged in the plot and characters even though I couldn't relate. For me, it further unraveled the intricate mysteries of love. More than anything, I was freshly awed by the power of forgiveness. I was reminded that forgiveness is to be given even when it's not deserved. Especially, when it is not deserved. A relationship that steps to the rhythm of forgiveness will walk all the way to the pearly gates.

Many people who watch this movie will think that it was the "Love Dare" that saved the marriage, but that's not true at all. It was forgiveness. It would've been a much shorter movie had it all started with the asking of forgiveness. If only they had started with talking through hurts, instead of pretending that they weren't there. But Caleb had to recognize the generous forgiveness of God in order to both forgive and receive his wife's forgiveness. Forgiveness is so unnatural. From a young age, we have a visceral sense of what is fair and what is not, but forgiveness changes all of that. It is a call for a truce when the only alternative is a vicious cycle of revenge, where everyone loses in the end. Forgiveness is asylum for those who are tired of fighting and have forgotten what they are fighting about. Forgiveness is a pact to never mention those offenses again, they were debts that couldn't be paid and so they were canceled. They were pages that have been torn out of an immortal story.

I believe that forgiveness is the greatest healing of all. Jesus not only came to heal infirmities, but more importantly, to heal souls. He always told people that they were forgiven. He dished out forgiveness like He was giving away money. He enjoyed it. And those of us who have forgiven someone, know the levity of its freedom. It is the feeling of a long winter sighing at the sight of spring.

It is hardest to love when it is not given in return. But that's when love burns the brightest. As I type this, Don Henley is singing an oldie on the radio. He's singing "I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter, but my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter, but I think it's about forgiveness. . .forgiveness, even if. . .even if you don't love me anymore." Amen, Don, amen.

Hollywood Love

I'm in Hollywood and it's raining, really raining, pissing rain. I'm about ready to build an ark. And it's not glamorous Hollywood rain, people aren't dancing in it. It's just rain, lots of it, and I'm still cold and dank from the last time I tried to go outside and do something adventurous. This little vacation isn't exactly looking like a California dream so far. I was feeling sorry for myself until I bought a New York Times and was reminded about the nightmare in Haiti. They wish they had my problems. No matter how bad you think you have it, it's nothing like Haiti. When your hear about things like that, it seems like those things are happening on some other planet. It's so far from our bourgeois utopias, where we feel depressed for not having lives that look like the ones in the movies.

Love usually lets me down, sooner or later. I think I still have the wrong idea and I'm trying to get it right. I'm trying to dream of love in a way that stands a chance in the real world. A love that not only lasts, but flourishes, even through the vapid seasons. Like it or not, life will chip away at your ideals until you see the world as it actually is. We cross a threshold when we stop talking about the way things should be, and start working with what we've got. Still, I'll always be both a romantic and a realist, hoping to coalesce the paradoxes of life and love.

Beauty, in all its forms, is fleeting. Real love transcends beauty. No, it redefines beauty. No, it bestows beauty. Anyway, God loves us out of Himself, not because we are naturally beautiful people, but because He is love. His love projects beauty onto unbecoming souls. It's not a blind love, but it is certainly optimistic. It sees beauty in the most unlikely places. I want to love more like that.

Well, the rain just stopped and the sun is fighting through the canopy of clouds. Maybe, it's a sign of better things to come. Maybe, it's time to go outside and try again. Who knows? Maybe, Steven Spielberg will spot me and ask me to be in his next film. And then maybe I'll get a star on the Hollywood Boulevard, next to a couple other tarnished stars and a homeless guy who's dreaming of his next meal.

Lover's Block

I haven't written much lately. Maybe, I'm going through some sort of writer's block. But I think I'm just in a rut, all around. A rut is the most uninspiring place to be. Who wants to read about that? Who wants to read about a guy who is bored? Who wants to read about a guy who is tired of praying the same things over and over and over? If God was nothing more than a good buzz then I would probably be looking elsewhere, right about now. This is the kind of stuff that God and I talk about. I hope I'm not boring him. He probably hears it all the time. If I was God, I would get tired of people nagging and yakking as if they know what it's like to be God.

During these seasons, I don't feel depressed as much as I just feel nothing. I'll call it "lover's block." The Bible says that in the last days "the love of many will grow cold." I don't want to be a part of that statistic, and I just need to keep asking God to help me love Him so I don't become religious. Not that He's hard to love, but I just forget who He is unless He reminds me. As a child, I remember walking into church and wondering why everyone was so quiet. I thought maybe God was taking a nap and that nobody wanted to wake Him because He might be cranky. I didn't like that God. Fortunately, later on, I discovered the audacious God of the Bible. It's fitting that God is portrayed as fire throughout scripture. He is both beautiful and terrifying. The flame of His presence licks our voracious hearts until they glow red-hot. During these times, I must warm myself by the fire and reacquaint myself with the living God. I cannot love Him without His love. He is more than a history lesson. He is more than a self-improvement method. He is more than a campaign or fundraiser. He is more than a meeting. God is love. And I want Him.

I'll finish with a little parable that I came up with. It's a really a commentary about empty religion versus intimacy with God. . .

Once upon a time there was a husband and wife. Each night before bed, the wife wrote out a "honey-do list" for her husband and stuck it on the fridge. And every morning the husband would memorize the list and carry out every single task without fail. He prided himself on it. But eventually, he became so obsessed with the list that he forgot everything else. He stopped doing anything that wasn't on the list. Before long, he stopped acknowledging his wife, as if she was a ghost. He stopped having conversations with her. He stopped kissing her. He didn't even look at her anymore. This went on for months, and months turned into years. All the while, he scrupulously followed the list of duties, checking them off one by one, with a twinkle in his eye. Until one day, the husband got out of bed and looked at the list. It read "Call 911, there's a stranger in the house." So, the husband called 911 and told the operator the situation. When the cops arrived, his wife came to the door, pointed at her husband, and said "Arrest that man, I don't know him."

A Broken World of Broken Hearts

When our heart is broken, there is a part of us that wonders if we'll ever love again. It is the place where our childish dreams mock us and jade us. And we secretly vow that love has betrayed our trust for the last time. It always feels like someone died and then we realize that that person is us. Apparently, when we weren't looking, something went terribly wrong and we never really know how or why. All we know is that silent promises have been broken and our world has changed and we can never go back to the way it was. All the while, somewhere beneath the tears, God is drilling a much deeper well within us, in order to fill us with a more profound love. A love that will go farther than before. Hope and strength come from unlikely places to resurrect us, and we emerge stronger. And we are reminded that our brittle hearts are only safe in the hands of God. Only He is trustworthy of our deepest affections, and He will never betray us. Broken hearts are a blessing if they point us back in the right direction.

Love is always more powerful than we think. It has the power to wound and to heal, to crush and to save. We all know that when we invite love inside then we also host the danger of pain, and yet most of us feel that it is worth the venture. The ecstasy is worth the agony. In the end, feeling pain is better than feeling nothing. No good story is without conflict. There is a part of us that comes alive when our future is at risk. A first kiss makes your heart jackhammer in your chest because you feel as if you've just stepped over a ledge and you're not sure where you'll land. The heights of love are both exhilarating and terrifying. It scares those of us who like control. It always ruins our meticulous plans, and never tells us exactly where we're headed.

The thing about love is that it makes us forget everything else. It is a beautiful distraction from a shipwrecked world. A world full of countless reasons to stop believing in anything too good. Still, love travails through the wreckage of broken hearts, undeterred by all the evil and suffering. When love dawns, it seems that happiness is remembered as we forget why we are so unhappy. In those moments, we question if our hearts were ever really broken. And so the cycle continues. We love, we break, we love again. We are sick people, lovesick people. And God is the craziest one of all.

We say that our world is broken because of sin, but it runs deeper than that. It's a result of unrequited love. God offered us His mighty heart and we broke it. Everything was risked to make love possible. We wonder, was it worth it? Apparently, God thinks so. He foresaw the hell and the hate, and yet He wagered more than anyone. It seems that there is no such thing as love without consequences. Regardless, it is hard to imagine this life without love. We'd feel nothing. What reason would we have for living at all? In this ironic world, death makes way for new life. We love, we break, we love again.