Math and Love and Stuff

I was blogging about love at Red Horse Coffee Shop. A man from church walked by the window, smiling and waving at me. He paused, retraced his footsteps, walked in and said "Can I ask you a question?" He began to choke up. "How do I know that God loves me specifically?"
It is a question that most of us find ourselves asking from time to time.
The Bible screams that God loves us all. We hear of his immense, vast love and yet there is a part of us that wonders if we haven't fallen through the cracks. We question 'Does He really love me?' What's more. . .'Does He like me?' We sing songs about it, if only to remind ourselves. But sometimes His love seems obligatory. As if He only loves me because He loves everyone and so it would be rude to leave me out.
There are many things about myself that my family and friends probably don't know. Not dark secrets, just little stuff. I fake lots of smiles and laughs, but most are genuine. I don't really like wearing clothes and wish Adam and Eve hadn't sinned for that reason alone. I occasionally talk to myself and cus at my computer. I always think my fly is down no matter how many times I check it. I look in the mirror everyday and still see a stranger and wonder if maybe I'm the one whose in the mirror, while the real person is on the other side. I feel like I might be insane, so I try to keep my myself on a short leash. Or I fear that I might be mentally retarded and that everyone knows it but me. Those are things that you don't want to say on a first date or at a job interview. Truth be told, there are many things about myself that I'm still discovering. My identity crisis is ongoing, it's been going on for awhile so it's not really a crisis anymore.
But God knows me completely already. The good, the bad, and the crazy. He even knows who I'll become. We sometimes slip into a vacant room and close the door to breathe a breath of privacy. But God is everywhere and sees everything. Nobody spends more time with us than God. So, His view of me matters more than any other. When I feel cheap and disposable, I wonder if God regrets making me and if there is something else He'd rather be doing than hanging out with me. Sometimes, I hang out with people who are better than me and I feel like an awkward nuisance. God is way better than me. And yet apparently He enjoys my company.

I do question our understanding of God's unconditional love. It is usually portrayed as a love that is indifferent to who we are. But is that really love? If that is the case, then why should I feel valued? Love that cares nothing for individuality seems meaningless. C.S. Lewis pointed out that it would be silly for someone to say "I love you disinterestedly."
In one sense, a parent unconditionally loves their child. Meaning, if the child does something that is otherwise unloveable, then that parent with still love that child. Even if the parent has nothing to gain in the exchange. And yet, that parent wouldn't love someone else's child with that same kind of love. So, it is a love that is unique to their own child. In other words, it is conditioned on the parent's relationship to the child. Furthermore, most parents will say that they love each of their children equally and yet their love for each one is not exactly the same. Each child has different personalities and talents and experiences, which a good parent notices and prizes. In short, they have a different relationship with each child. And their love for each one is unique. Could this be true of the love of God the Father? I think so.
His love for each one of us is not indifferent to who we are. It is predicated on the fact that He is our God and we all bear His image. And yet it is unique to our individual relationships with Him. As Christians, we are all His children, but my relationship with God is different than yours. Noone else has the special bond that God and I have. There is no else like me and there is certainly no one like Him. We share a unique love. True, He loves everyone equally, and yet He loves me specially. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows how many hairs are on my head. I don't even know that, I don't even want to know that, but God knows that. To Him, I am not a faceless cliche, but a meaningful masterpiece full of treasured nuances.
In Luke 15, God is described as a shepherd who leaves the 99 to go after the one lost sheep. This tells of an individualized love. To God, each individual is as precious as the other 99. This doesn't work out mathematically. It is a supernatural love that defies the laws of this world. Jesus was someone who reached out to people on a one-on-one basis. Think about the man who was possessed by a legion of demons. Jesus crossed the Sea of Galilee just to help him alone. Just one face in a crowded world, and yet Jesus thought he was worth the trip. Jesus was constantly interupted by individuals, but He didn't see them as a waste of time whatsoever. Even when He felt exhausted, He still gave each individual His undivided attention. As Jesus suffocated on the cross, He singled out the thief nearby and saved him. To Jesus, every single soul was a soul worth saving. The Apostle John described himself as 'the one whom Jesus loved.' I like that. He understood that Jesus's love for him was distinct. And who am I? I am also ' the one' whom Jesus loves. And so are you. We are all His favorite. God's love would flunk a math test.