Pursuing or Stalking?

In my relations with girls, I've always felt that there is a very fine line between pursuing and stalking. For instance, throwing pebbles at a girl's window at night could be interpreted as magically romantic or just plain psychotic. A series of letters from "a secret admirer" could be a girl's lifelong fantasy or her worst nightmare. You just never know. When it comes to sweeping a girl off her feet, it's difficult to know if you are trying too hard or not trying hard enough. And let's face it, if you try to sweep some girls off their feet then you're bound to get a face-full of pepperspray. Cavemen never had it this rough.

As a guy, you never know if a girl perceives you as a gallant pursuer or a creepy stalker. Girls, give us guys a break sometimes, will ya? If you don't want to be chased then just tell us, we can take it. We don't like paradoxical signals-- it feels like the old game "Red Light, Green Light." But if you do want to be chased then make it a little more obvious, we'll give you a headstart, whatever. If the cat-and-mouse thing isn't clear to us then we feel that if we go ahead and chase you, then you're going to tell all your girlfriends about us-- the creepy guy who won't leave you alone. And we don't want to be "that guy."

Unfortunately, I realize that this is all wishful thinking. The dance of dating is never this choreographed. Fortunately, most guys are risk takers. If we waited to figure out a girl before pursuing her then we would be celibate for life. Girls are an unsolved mystery, it's just one more thing that makes them captivating.

Plus, it's a good learning experience for us guys. Someday, my future wife will want me to understand her on a deep level. And that process begins when I first meet her and try to figure out what she needs and wants. Does she want more attention or does she want some space? Lesson number one: Timing is everything in everything. I could be frustrated with all of this mystery or I could appreciate that it compells me to look deeper into her heart. Thus, bringing us closer together in the end.

The way I see it, if Jesus is our male role model, then we must pursue our bride as madly as Christ pursued his. So boys, be men. And girls, maybe hold off on the restraining orders.

All The Single Ladies

I am constantly amazed that so many quality girls end up with not-so-quality guys. With frogs actually. Did they meet in the dark? Did they lose a bet? Maybe they thought that the frog would transform with enough tender loving care. And yet each day they hear the same ol' words-- ribbit ribbit. Why are their standards so low? Perhaps they've never had a man in their life who showed them a better way. Who showed them what it feels like to be treated like a lady. Girls who have higher standards usually had good dads. Dads who cherished them in a way that would ruin most girls' tolerance for amphibians. Some girls seem to gravitate toward the bad boys. The sad thing is that they get exactly that, and they are treated badly. What did they expect? I wonder how many gentlemen they passed up because they didn't know what a gentleman was.

It's interesting that the way a worldly guy picks up on worldly girls is by devaluing them. Instead of honoring the girl and rising to her level and reinforcing her dignity, a "player" will bring her down to his level by treating her like a cheap object and not as a prized princess. If he treats her like a princess then she is less likely to sleep with him, because he would only be reinforcing her precious worth. And her self-worth is what will prevent her from giving herself to the man in a cheap way. On the other hand, a real Christian guy will treat a woman as a daughter of God. And if there is any Father to fear then it is surely God. A godly man will treat her as if he is her older brother, zealously protecting her purity from the mangy wolves. His goal is not to get her to sleep with him, but to honor her in such a way that her high standards are maintained until her wedding day. Ladies, both kinds of men are out there. If a guy doesn't treat you like a princess then he is not a prince. Choose wisely.

So what is the true test for whether a man is indeed a man? Well, is he like Jesus? Pontius Pilate was right when he pointed to a bloodied Jesus and said "Behold, the Man!" You see, a real man lays down his life for the one he loves, because the one he loves is his life. Fortunately for us, Jesus didn't just send us flowers or chocolates or write us a poem or take us salsa dancing. But He actually volunteered to be our blood donor, when we were lying on our death bed. That is real sacrifice and that is real love.

In some of my conversations with top-notch Christ-like guys, they've talked about some of the fickle, non-commital, ambivalence that they've been experiencing with Christian girls that they are interested in. It only confirmed my suspicions. I used to think that there were so many quality girls who were still single because the guys weren't making an effort. But many guys are taking the initiative and yet they are getting stone-walled. And I'm not talking about losers, I'm talking about really great guys. But I'll be fair, both sides are responsible. Now, if people want to be single for the rest of their life then that's fine. There is nothing ungodly or unbiblical about that. But just don't blame anyone else for your singleness if you are passing up gems.

I'm not sure what the answer is to this stalemate, feelings are difficult to sort into black and white conclusions. These days, you can pick petals off of the proverbial flower and recite "She loves me. . .she loves me not" all day long, but in reality it's no longer that simple. Now you have to add "she's not sure if she loves me. . .she's not ready for a relationship. . .she doesn't know what God's will is. . .she loves me but not like that. . .it's complicated" and on and on it goes. There aren't enough petals in the world.

Weddings: 'Tis The Season

I have a love-hate thing for weddings. On the one hand, I dread them because they nag me like a thorn that I'm still single. And if there's any lapse of awareness of my single status, then I am soon corralled into a mob of chest-beating dudes competing for a flying garter belt. And yet there's a part of me that delights in weddings because they silence the skeptic within me and remind me that fairy tale love stories are absolutely true. That the magic of God-breathed love still peeks into the darkest of worlds. It reminds me that there is more to life than what I often live for, and much more to savor than what I often see just in front of me. Weddings are always proof positive that there are many more miracles to be encountered in my life. So, if there is anything to celebrate with extravagant dining and dancing, it is surely love finding love.

Yesterday, two amazing people became one. On the outside looking in, it seems like tying the knot is the closest thing to being born again. I know that life doesn't start when you're married, but it certainly seems to redefine life itself. To go down that road with someone is to embark into sheer mystery. It's a unique road that nobody has ever travailed, because no person is the same. And what's more, no combination of two people are ever the same. You two are daring to write a story that's never been written and will never be erased. For us who are single, we wonder what chapter of our love story we are currently living in. Every love story begins with singleness. It's not the prequel, it's an intricate part of the love story itself. It establishes the plot which makes for an epic romance in the end.

It's always amazing to me that it takes years and years for someone to arrive at her wedding ceremony and then it's over within a matter of minutes. I always wonder what is pouring through the couple's minds in those fleeting moments. Me being the skeptic, I find myself looking for signs of doubt or disappointment, but all I see is a deluge of blushing joy with a little terror. I wonder if those moments are like dying, in that a person's whole life flashes before his eyes in perfect clarity. Perhaps, the ghost of the past shows up at that wedding altar and smiles with a smug look of accomplishment. I'm sure that in that moment, looking back on your life's script is like discovering gravity, it was there all along and yet now it makes more sense.

The thing about running after love is that you never know if you're running in the right direction. It's very elusive. I can't think of anything more elusive. And I can't think of a better reason to pray. If God is love, then He no doubt has it all figured out in a way that I don't. I don't want to force something that isn't meant to be because something always breaks when I try to force anything. I don't think it's really a miracle for two people to get married just because they're bored of being single. But it's certainly miraculous for someone to get married because they found that one person in the world that makes them want to live life in a whole new way. That's my prayer, both for me and the girl I will marry. It is always weighty to realize that my prayers and decisions about my love life are affecting atleast one other person somewhere in this world.

Not too long ago, if you would have asked me what kind of a girl I'm looking for, then most likely I would have listed off a set of noble qualities. But now I realize that it goes deeper than that and that I'm actually hoping for that acute feeling of finally being at home with someone. A glass slipper moment. Indeed, love is an ocean and God is my breeze, and someday this weathered ship will happily crash into another that has been flying the same flag as mine through sunshine and storm for all of these years.

The Path of Purity

So, I've been meditating on purity. I'll share with you what God has shared with me. I've found that there are five essentials in the path of purity, and they all conveniently start with the letter P. To walk in purity demands more than reading a good book or attending a conference. It demands more than information or scare tactics. We are holistic creatures and therefore purity is a holistic discipline. The battle must be won on all fronts, in our mind, body, and soul. Compromise in one area affects all other areas of our life. The path of purity is both spiritual and practical.

The first essential is Passion. By that I mean, the quest for purity begins by having a strong passion for purity. You've got to want it. You've got to see the precious value in it. To be dragged along by sexual impurity is to remain outside of God's will which means that we will miss out on God's dreams for our lives, we will be less than who we were meant to be and we will not know God as joyfully as we could. Passion for sin robs us of our passion for God. For most of us, we've tasted the dirt of the darkness enough to know that we crave something far better. We are not willing to settle for anything less than the wholeness and peace and ecstasy of God's purity. More importanty, it is enough to know that God has placed eternal value on purity.

The second essential is Prayer. We need God's strength to fight for us. We need to pray daily "Create in me a clean heart, Oh God." We need to be so full of God's light that there is no corner or crevice left for darkness to spread. We need to pray that our pleasure in God would incinerate all other passions. Prayer turns our eyes to God and off of the temptations of this world.

The third essential is Partners. "Two are better than one." We need other people to have victory in this quest. We need brothers or sisters to fight with us. James says "Confess your sins to one another and pray for each other so that you can be healed." Identify a friend of the same-sex who is equally passionate about purity. A friend that you can meet with weekly and discuss in explicit detail your tempations and stumblings and victories in the last week. Consistency and honesty is vital. This essential will bring sin into the light. Sin dies in the light. Everyone struggles with assaults on their purity, freedom comes in being reminded that you are not alone in your struggle.

The fourth essential is Promises. Meditate on the promises of scripture that pertain to purity. "Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God." That's a positive promise. But there are sobering promises as well. Scriptures like "Without holiness, no one will ever see God" Hebrews 12. God takes purity very seriously. As we fill our minds with these cleansing realities then they will transform the way we think. Eventually our thoughts become more inclined toward pure thoughts.

The fifth essential is Position. We must position ourselves to minimize temptation. The Lord's Prayer tells us to pray "Lead me not into temptation." The truth is that some roads lead us into more temptation than others. We must be wise about the movies we watch,the internet sites we visit, the music we listen to, the places we go, the people we look at, and the kind of people we spend time with. We must setup practical safeguards so that we are not putting ourselves into a situation where we are constantly tempted by sexual sin. Many temptations are self-inflicted. Identify what exactly is triggering your temptations and seek out ways to minimize your exposure to those triggers. This essential is not based on fear but on passion. The New Testament tells us to "Flee youthful lusts" just like Joseph fled from Potiphar's wife. He put himself in a better position by getting out of that dangerous situation, it was his passion for purity that compelled him.

So there you go. . .Passion + Prayer + Partners + Promises + Position = Purity

If you are weak in purity, then it's because you are weak in one or more of these five essentials. Identify which one you are weak in and make a change. Purity is our true birth right.

Feelings

Ahh summer lovin'. Today, I walked past a couple who were holding hands and strolling along with that saunter in their step that said "Everything is awesome." They stopped and stared at a concrete pillar underneath a bridge. I must admit, I spied over their shoulders to figure out what they were looking at. They were just gawking at an ordinary concrete pillar. Apparently, even the pillar was awesome. It never ceases to amaze me how lovers can find a captivating piece of art even in the most mundane objects. They are able to see wonders that are invisible to those among us who are romantically-challenged at the moment. And one thing is for sure, they feel something and they feel a lot of it.

There seems to be an ongoing discussion about whether love is a feeling or a choice. It sounds as if many assume that it can't be both. . .or can it? Are feelings and choices really mutually exclusive? I've been watching a series of sermons by John Piper in which he postulates that throughout the scriptures, God commands us to feel certain ways. Now, if emotions and choices are completely at odds with one another then those would be unreasonable commands. Piper references verses like "Weep with those who weep." That's a command that involves us feeling something for a broken person. It would be very difficult to weep without feeling some sort of empathy. There are other verses like "Abhor what is evil." Abhor is a strong word, which means that you loathe or detest something, once again, it involves some emotion. "Rejoice always" is another command that requires us to feel something, and that something is joy. God commands our emotions with other statements like "Do not fear," "Be anxious for nothing", "Do not lust." Those are all matters of the heart. These kinds of verses are everywhere in the Bible. They decimate any sort of theology that portrays obedience as a flat-lined, apathetic, passive, heartless duty.

Granted, we don't have absolute control over our emotions, but apparently we have enough control over them to justify God's commands to stir up godly feelings. I find that I can choose what to think about and which thoughts to take captive. My thoughts are accompanied by feelings. I can choose to dwell on thoughts that make me anxious, depressed, discouraged, angry. Or I can ponder things that put me joyfully at rest. The point is, I'm not a slave to my emotions, I'm in the driver-seat.

All of this is relevant to our understanding of love. Look at this verse: 1 Peter 1:22 says "fervently love one another from the heart." This verse takes love beyond the realm of hollow duty. It uses the word "fervently" which signifies warm, intense pathos. And if that's not enough, it drives the point home by telling us to love people "from the heart." It is a command to feel as we act. And we must never forget that it was Paul who said in 1 Corinthians that it's possible to give everything you have to the poor and yet not have love. God not only calls us to be givers, but cheerful givers, emotional givers, heartfelt givers. Givers who feel deeply.

The verdict is in, love is not to be faked.

Believe me, I realize that for some of the saps among us, love is all about feeling and nothing else. That is an unfortunate extreme that neglects the value of commitment and sacrifice. I'll be the first one to sound the alarm that love is much more than a feeling. However, there are others who need reminding that love is never to be divorced from feeling altogether. That is an equally unfortunate extreme.

Moral of the story: If we find ourselves hollowed out and bankrupt of feeling, then it's time to ask our Divine Lover to perform one more good ol' stinkin' resurrection on our behalf.

Love's Stage

My mom said that she always thought that I'd get married when I was 35 (I have some years to go). She didn't mean it in a bad way. She meant that I've always been very independant and so I'd probably opt to join forces with someone later in life. I'm beginning to think that her prediction isn't that crazy of an idea. Sometimes, I'm not sure if I want to get married because I'm supposed to or because I really do want to. I'm the kind of person that likes to sift through every iota of data with any decision, analyzing all of the pros and cons. I never did very well on multiple choice tests because I would take too much time scrutinizing and philosophizing about all the answers before filling in a circle. And even then I was never pleased with the wording of the answer, I could always find holes in it. Not only that, but I was never satisfied with how I filled in the circle.

Anyways, this is how I think about marriage. I weigh the pros and cons, and they in turn weigh me. Some of the pros of marriage seem to be: companionship, intimacy, maturity, and help. Another pro might be kids, but for some reason I'm not looking forward to having kids right now. I feel bad about saying that but it's the honest truth. Maybe that will change later on, maybe it's a desire that just hasn't been awakened yet. Anyway, some of the cons of marriage seem to be: less freedom, less space, and less time. Another con might be that I will never feel like I'm doing things right. I'm not sure that I want to live like that, with the feeling that I'm always failing. My fear of failure makes marriage seem so omenous, because so many marriages fail and men get such a bad rap these days. I have a fear that my wife will expect things from me that I just can't give her because I am only human. More than my fear that I might be unhappy is my fear that my wife would be unhappy. It's the most draining thing in the world to try to make someone happy who is determined to wallow in their unhappiness. I think I want to marry someone who is happy in their singleness. That way she won't expect marriage to make her happy, she will already be happy. So. . .why would she get married if she is already happy? Well, I am also happy in my singleness, so the question is similar to why would I get married? Well, if I believed that marriage was only about being happy then honestly I would not get married, because I am already happy. So, there must be more to marriage than that.

With marriage, I'm believing that there will be a point in time when my will coincides with God's will. When I will really want to get married and feel as though God really wants me to get married. Those stars have not aligned for me quite yet. I can't think of any other reasons to get married than those two. I can't imagine God forcing me to get married if I didn't want to. It would be like a dad trying to force feed his son with chocolate ice cream. Can you imagine that? "Son, if you don't eat this chocolate ice cream then you're going to get a spanking!"

There are those who believe life begins once you're married, and those who believe life ends when you're married. But I think that marriage is just a slice of life. It's one of the many wonders in this world. It's beautiful but it's not beauty, it's glorious but it's not glory. It is love's stage, but it is never love itself.

Nudity and Nakedness

You gotta love provokative titles. But this really is going somewhere. I've been meditating on the first love story in the Bible--Genesis 2. And the last line seems to unveil a divine element in marriage. It says "they were both naked, the man and his wife, and they were not ashamed." This was before sin. It's interesting how sin came into the world and redefined nakedness, affiliating it with shame. To be naked is to be exposed for who we really are. Nakedness is openness, and we have a hard time being open with people. We show our best side and often hide our blemishes and imperfections, not only with our body, but also with our character and personality. Most of the time we are even apprehensive to really look in the mirror, staring into the depths of our soul and owning up to who we really are underneath the surface. It is a strange and alluring odyssey to undress the truth about who you are.

I look forward to nakedness in marriage, both the physical and the personal, the sharing of secret places within ourselves. I know that will take time but marriage seems to provide a safe place where two people can pry one another open and unearth gems within each other's personality. I think that self-discovery is overrated, it doesn't seem to lead anywhere. I think we long for someone else to discover us, to undress us. To really know us, the real us, and to be honest with us about who we really are. . .without shaming us. And of course this can only take place if there is mutual trust. I don't trust everybody, that would be dangerously foolish. I don't share the real me with just anyone. Trust is earned with the testing of time and shared trials. There is a part of me that remains covered and locked away for the one that I will marry someday. Only she will be entrusted with the key to that garden within me. That is one of the many good reasons to get married. To be commited to knowing one another more and more profoundly, the good and the bad and the messy. To be absolutely naked with someone and to be unashamed.