The Secret To A Woman's Heart

Just to warn you, if you google "What Girls Want," then you'll soon find yourself falling headlong down an endless rabbit hole. Lucky for me, a friend of mine wrote me and disclosed the secret to a woman's heart. Ready? She said that girls want a fairy tale. And that they're raised on a steady diet of Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty and so on. Naturally, they grow up eagerly waiting for their Prince Charming to arrive. My initial reaction was that I felt like I'd been given a secret super power. I'd be unstoppable with the ladies. And then I realized how crazy the whole idea was. A fairy tale? Prince Charming? But upon further thought, I felt that maybe it wasn't so crazy.

Perhaps, that deep-seated longing is there for a reason. But what if I'm not a prince? My life is hardly a fairy tale, I don't live in a castle or ride a horse or slay dragons or walk around singing all the time (Well actually, I guess I do walk around singing all the time). Anyway, what if I want to give a girl the moon and more, but it's so beyond my reach? Are us guys doomed to fail? What's more, the Bible ratchets up the heat by instructing men to "love your wives as Christ loved the church, and gave Himself for her." So, not only am I supposed to be a chivalrous prince, but I'm supposed to be just like Jesus. That's even crazier.

Honestly, I know a lot of guys, but I don't know any princes. I know a lot of guys who are trying to be princes, and other guys who aren't trying and that's about it. It's slightly disheartening when I see girls falling for guys who aren't princes at all. When girls hook up with jerks then it sends a message to the rest of the guys that girls like jerks and not princes. I think we all have some growing up to do.

Nevertheless, there is certainly a place in every woman's heart that only one prince can fill. He is the Prince of Peace. There's really no one like Jesus. He will someday return to slay the dragon of this world, and rescue His damsel in distress. There's only one true Savior, no other man can fill that role. Now, I'm not letting guys off the hook. I think most men could do a better job in the romance department, myself included. It's funny that romance films are labeled "chick flicks" and that most guys don't take much interest in them. But maybe it's because every guy secretly feels like they can never measure up to the fiction of it all. Not even Matthew Mcconaughey can be Matthew Mcconaughey in real life. But maybe, just maybe, the only way an ordinary guy can come close to being a prince is by treating a girl like a princess. And praying a lot. I can do that.

P.S. A word to my sisters in Christ-Don't stop believing:)

Have You Had Your DTR Lately?

DTR's are hilarious. Can you really define a relationship? Is it really that categorical? Yet against all odds, DTR's insist on fencing in love. In reality, love in its many forms is so nuanced and unwieldy. No matter how many DTR's are bumbled through, confusion always finds a crack in the communication. After all, trying to wrap words around feelings is like cupping water in your hands, it's so leaky and inadequate and frustrating. And you can never have just one DTR. With each day, there's always the possibility that feelings have changed. And then there's those annoying stories about couples who set out to be "just friends" and ended up getting married. What's more, it doesn't help that we always hear what we want to hear. Even if someone looks us in the eye and says "Drop dead," our hearts often find some way around it. Actions always speak louder than words. For that reason, DTR's should never be used as a license to say one thing and do another, hoping to get the benefits of a commitment without actually committing to anything. Otherwise, you'll be forced to sing another round of "Oops I Did It Again."

Nevertheless, DTR's are a necessary evil. Direct communication is always good. If it doesn't fill in all the gaps then at least it gives fair warning. Guys and girls usually communicate differently, so DTR's take a lot more effort to get the point across the gender barrier. With girls, I have yet to interpret the difference between flirting and just being friendly. Most girls smile and laugh a lot, which can mean a great number of things. Maybe they're just happy.

The worst situations are the ones where one person is confused about their own feelings, which makes the other person even more confused. I actually feel very relieved when I know exactly how someone feels about me. Because then I know what to do. If I'm not sure how they feel, then I don't know what to do and I always feel like I'm doing something wrong. It usually leads to some sort of drama. I hate drama. Christian DTR's are something else entirely. Usually, when one Christian doesn't have "feelings" for the other then they say that it's just not God's will for them. They blame it on God, as if God is Cupid and forces people to fall in love. And if we say that it's not God's will then the other person is left questioning if God is being heard correctly (In the book of Hosea, God told the guy to marry a prostitute, it's funny how people never "hear" God saying stuff like that these days). If we're going to have DTR's then we might as well be completely honest. Just say "I don't like you" and leave it at that, you'll be doing them a favor by giving them closure.

But honestly, I'm a hypocrite. I say that because I can be the most fickle, ambivalent, hard-to-read person you'll ever meet. I think too much, which is a blessing and a curse. I'm terrible with multiple choice tests, because I take lots of time to weigh all the answers, evaluating their strengths and weaknesses and getting caught up in the wording. Communication hinges on wording, which is why it doesn't come easy for me on the fly. I'm better at writing than talking. The reason being, I can't edit conversations. Writing allows me to tinker with the tone, until I get it just right. Sometimes, a certain word feels like a puzzle piece that almost fits but not quite. Anyway, DTR's are not fun for me. I never feel like I'm saying what I mean to say.

Question: Can a guy really have a close, lasting "just friends" relationship with a girl? I haven't had very good results. Neither have most guys that I've talked to. There's always some degree of confusion and frustration, and unhealthy signs of attachment and entitlement. In my experience, when one of us starts dating someone else, then that's usually the end of it. I'm kind of old-fashioned. I've never been able to date a girl who wants to continue hanging out with a bunch of other dudes. Call it crazy or call it commitment. One guy said that when he has DTR's, he sometimes tells the girl that he's interested in a 'friendship with the potential for more.' I don't know how he says it with a straight face. It really defeats the purpose of having a DTR, leaving so much to the imagination.

As for me, usually the best way to define a dead-end relationship is just to end it, sooner than later.

Love Drug

Scientists are trying to develop a drug that causes people to fall in love. They claim that the oxytocin hormone contributes to sexual attraction and promotes trust and confidence and reduces fear. Is your relationship missing that magic spark? Just pop the red pill. Want to make your secret crush fall in love with you? Just slip the love drug into their beverage of choice, and you'll hardly be able to keep them away. It's that easy. Let's face it, falling in love is hard to come by. And trying to win someone over through thoughtfulness and charm is just too much work. The best part is that you'll no longer have to wait for Mr. or Miss Right, with the love drug anyone could be the one. Who cares if they look like Jabba the Hut or Cousin It, you won't know the difference. You'll be head-over-heels in love. And when your love prescription runs out then just make an appointment with your local love doctor.

Why stop there? Maybe, the love drug is the way to world peace, the remedy for racism and terrorism and wars and gangs and lawsuits and sports. We'll all be lovers, not fighters. The world will be one big, long Woodstock, with lots of people rolling around in the mud and putting flowers in their hair. We could also use it to cause people to fall in love with God. We could spike the communion juice with it, although people might start kissing in church and that would be terrible. Kissing is so unspiritual.

Yes, the love drug is the solution we've been praying for. After all, God is love, why would He object? The first and second commandment are all about love. The Bible practically encourages us to take the love drug. We wouldn't be like robots, robots don't love. And why stop at the love drug? What about a faith drug? A drug that rids us of all that nasty logic and common sense. Is the law of gravity weighing you down? Well, that's nothing that a faith pill can't fix. You'll be flying around in no time. The possibilities are endless! Forgiveness medicine, discipline drugs, humility pills, courage elixirs. . .oh wait, that's alcohol.

Who knew that love could be so easy and convenient and bite-sized? Got love?


Warning: If you've taken any of this seriously, then consult your physician right away.

God's Mistletoe

I noticed that the tone of my latest blogs was veering into the melancholy. I blame it on winter. The days are colder and darker and the December doldrums always seem to burrow into my soul. But a couple days ago, I started listening to Christmas music and I'm better now. If nothing else, Christmas is a wonderful anti-depressant. Even if we discovered that Jesus had been born in the summer, I doubt we would reschedule His birthday. Christmas is such a timely, welcomed distraction from the grim weather. The color is fading from Oregonian faces and everyone is bundled like 7-layer burritos. And in the dead of winter, Christmas remains the heart's fireplace.

It's always surreal to hear songs about Jesus being played in the most godless places around town. Like it or not, the first Christmas is still singing. That meek and mild love story simply cannot be silenced. I smile whenever I hear the Salvation Army workers ringing those bells, evidence that Christmas hasn't been completely hijacked by commercialism. It's still about generosity. It's still about coming together. It's still about Jesus. Our world is standing under the mistletoe, unable to escape the kisses of God. Everywhere you turn, there's Christmas.

Two years ago, I begged my parents not to buy me anything. I wasn't boycotting Christmas, I just didn't need anything and didn't want my parents racking up credit card debt. They weren't hearing it. So in honor of Jesus's birthday, I received Guitar Hero 3. I rocked it for about two weeks before it ended up in the wasteland of forgotten Christmas toys. And yet maybe, just maybe, it was still worth it for my parents. Honestly, I'm not very good at receiving charitable love. I'm not sure why. It's either because I feel too proud or too unworthy or maybe a little bit of both. And yet, the transaction of love cannot be completed if it is not received. To deny someone the opportunity to show love is ultimately selfish. We were made to love and we find divine fulfillment in giving love to others. Love is like fresh air to our hearts, to be breathed in and out, to be given and received.

Every year, one big gift remains unopened in billions of households. The generous gift of grace, it is one gift that never loses its luster. It still offers saving love to one and all, young and old, rich and poor. It offers to pay off our soul's worrisome debt. But God's charitable love is worthless to those who will not take it from His hand. He loves to give. And who are we to deprive our Father of doing what He loves to do? As William Blake once said "We are here to learn to endure the beams of love." Just take it. Let God love you, every part of you, and maybe wish Him a Merry Christmas while you're at it.

Honest Love

I remember hearing the story "The Emperor's New Clothes" as a child and thinking it was a great story, but didn't realize that it was really a parable. I also didn't realize that I was the child in the story. If you remember, it's about two weavers who make an invisible garment for the emperor. The weavers claim that the fine garment can only be seen by those who are competent for their roles in society. Naturally, everyone agrees that they can see the clothes except for a little boy who yells "The emperor isn't wearing anything at all!"

Honesty has become a foreign language. It is rarely understood and is unkosher in an esoteric society preserved by euphemism and constant ceremony. We have an understanding, there are certain things you don't talk about. Everything has its place. You don't talk about disease and famine at the dinner table. You don't mention the afterlife in science class. You don't tell your boss that he takes his job too seriously. You don't cheer for the Ducks in a room full of Beavers. At a wedding, you don't say the word "divorce." At funerals, we hardly admit that we are all the person in the casket. At church, we don't sing songs about all the people who are going to hell. And on and on it goes. But honesty doesn't pander to formality or pretense or flattery or comfort. For that reason, most people don't like it. It doesn't get you popularity. It's like an alarm clock that is easier to unplug rather than wake up to reality. Most people are careful to say what they are supposed to say. They follow a script. The older generation is preoccupied with being respected and the younger generation is preoccupied with being cool. But honesty cares for neither. It comes streaking through the room, raising eyebrows. Whenever honesty happens, most people don't know what to say, it's very vulnerable and awkward and disagreeable. In an insane world, sanity is the laughing stock.

The Bible tells us to speak the truth in love. Love is not always nice, it doesn't always smile. Honesty is the vehicle for truth, and the truth is usually cutting. I'm not talking about the kind of honesty that tells someone that they are ugly. I'm talking about the kind of honesty that tells people what they need to hear so that they can really live and thrive. For instance, if a friend is ruining themselves with drugs then love confronts them, it doesn't support the addiction. That's not being legalistic, that's love. There is nothing loving about supporting sin that kills, real love intervenes.

Jesus is the most honest person I've ever read about. We often quote Him with a soft, sweet tone, but most of His statements were very abrasive and uncouth at the time. Things like "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven." Nobody knew how to respond, because Jesus didn't follow protocol. He wasn't bureaucratic, He didn't play games. He just said what wasn't being said, but that needed to be said. Most people didn't get it, most people still don't get it. People usually believe what they want to believe. What's more, everyone is elitist, we all think we're right. And we surround ourselves with people who convince us that we are right. We follow leaders who are a projection of our own ideology. But in order to make room for truth within ourselves, we must somehow identify and weed out the lies. The problem is that lies are very good at masquerading as the truth. Our only hope is honesty, because if truth does exist then it won't get anywhere without daring voices and a willingness to listen. And yet, in the interest of truth, you can't be your own reference point, you can't learn from yourself . That's like feeding on yourself and hoping to be healthy. To be truly enlightened, we need an outer intolerant light to break into our self-sustained paradigms and lead us somewhere new.

On a different note, it is good to be honest and confess our unsightly struggles to others if only to remind each other that we are not alone in our monstrosity. There have been countless times when I thought I was the only one wrestling with a certain question or sin, but once I shared it, I found out that there were many others with a similar issue. What would happen if we all showed our cards and stopped bluffing? Among other things, love is honest.

Death and Undying Love

Winter is always colder than I remember. This is the season where I can't avoid thinking about my dead brother Tyler. Four years ago, on December 9th, he hung himself with a dog collar. Whenever I reflect on those days, it always seems like someone else's life, like a movie I watched a long time ago. But there's never much resolution when a movie ends with tragedy. Last night, I was tired but couldn't sleep. I just laid awake thinking about Tyler. And then I wondered why I was thinking about him, but I didn't know. Maybe, it's because Thanksgiving always points out the empty chair.

When my brother died, it was the first time that death became a reality for me. Early on, I had dreams that my brother was still alive. Other times, I'd wake up thinking that his death was only a dream. Some days, I thought I saw him around town. I knew he was gone, but my heart wouldn't let go so easily. Once, a friend told me that I had been crying in my sleep the night before. I had no idea, and it was kind of embarrassing. I recall the black hole that I awoke to every morning. In a world of billions of people, I was painfully aware of the one missing person. It felt as though God's plans had derailed. I felt so lost.

In those days, I would often close the door and lie on the floor for hours. Gravity seemed stronger. I could feel the world turning and everyone scurrying about, but it all seemed so pointless. I found a companion in C.S. Lewis's book "A Grief Observed." He talked about how when his wife died he couldn't even find the motivation to do things like shaving. I often forgot to eat.

The reminder that God is everywhere is not a happy thought when you want to get away from him for a while. I remember saying to my pastor "If God is good, then I question the nature of goodness." I don't remember what he said. I knew I should pray, but I was afraid of the ugly things I would say. I thought I was losing my faith but now I realize that it was being proven. After all, faith is only an idea until it is threatened. My prayers became more honest, like the ones in the Psalms. Some people would call that complaining, but someday they'll find out that in the thick of tragedy you either pray honestly or you don't pray at all.

In those days, love came out of the woodwork. Love carried me through it all. Friends and family stepped into our demolished world and helped us through the wreckage. I choke up even as I write about it. They stopped by and sat with us, hugged us, wept with us. They cooked meals, ran errands, wrote cards, listened, and relayed stories about Tyler. God loved us through people. I champion God's love more than anything else, because yet again it saved me. Nothing else made sense, but that simple truth became my North Star. I found peace in the reality that God loved my brother more than I did. I felt that God was weeping with me. His mighty love outgrew mere sentimental ideals. He told me He loved me over and over until I actually believed it. I can't trust someone who doesn't love me. I learned to trust God in a way that defied common sense. Death is cruel, but love is stronger.

Honestly, I just wish Tyler and I could've grown up together and developed more of a friendship. I think I would be a better brother now. I wouldn't care about being right or being better or stupid things like that. I should probably let go of all that, but when I try to let go it just follows me around. You learn to embrace things that you can't let go of. Maybe, it will make me a better person.

I recall the last time I said goodbye to Tyler, it was so casual. Had I known it was our last time together I would've acted differently. I would've told him that the world would be much a sadder place without him. I still miss you bro.

Guys and Girls and the Rest of Us

I think I would understand girls better if I had grown up with a sister. Instead, I grew up with four younger brothers. We did brother stuff. We played baseball together, rode dirt bikes, shot b-b guns, built tree forts, dug holes (for no reason), wrestled, wrestled some more, wrestling turned to fist-fighting, and an hour later we'd be playing baseball together again. If I'd had a sister, I probably would've been suckered into playing with dolls and dressing up and stuff like that. (I have a sister now, but my parents had her when I was in college and I was already out on my own, so I didn't really grow up with her). Anyway, most of my information about girls came from TV and movies, and much later I learned that girls weren't really like that in real life. They weren't so predictable. Growing up, I didn't know how to have a conversation with a girl. I was terribly awkward. I'm still awkward, but it was much worse back then.

I approached conversations with girls as if they were math problems, and they never added up and I was so puzzled. I didn't realize that there are lots of subtle non-verbal cues that girls communicate and if you're not paying attention then you miss them and misread them, and they know it. My first girlfriend was in the third-grade. I passed a note to her that said "Will you be my girlfriend? Check yes or no." She checked yes, but I didn't know what to do after that, so I didn't talk to her for the rest of the year. The following summer, I found out that she had a different boyfriend. One that talked to her.

Most generalizations for guys and girls are misleading, broad strokes like "Men are from Mars and women are from Venus." I'm convinced that some guys are from an entirely different planet than me. I'm a guy and yet I'm not like some guys. I don't like watching sports or hunting or belching or stuff like that. And I think it's the same thing with girls. I've yet to meet a girl that fits any formula. In fact, when I try to fit girls into a formula then I get frustrated. The reality is that everyone is unique and you only understand them when you get to know them. Perhaps, it helps to know some guidelines, like men want to be respected and women want to feel loved. But the specifics require a tailored relationship.

My friend Tim has a great marriage. I asked him the secret and he says that they just talk about everything. He says that things like leaving the toilet seat up are never the real issue. But that it's about his wife knowing that he treasures her, and that she is central to his life. He says that when something puts a wedge between them then they just talk about it and it works out. It makes sense. I can think of countless times when I was bitter toward someone because a tiny issue blew up in my mind but then when I talked with them and understood their heart, then it wasn't a big deal anymore. Arguments usually occur when there is a lack of communication. It's as if the pressure builds until someone explodes and then several different conversations happen at once and it usually ends with a good ol' fashion door slamming. There's also the silent treatment. I think it happens when one spouse wants the other spouse to squirm a little and figure things out on their own. From what I hear, it never really resolves anything, but just adds to the confusion. The scripture that says "Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry" is a verse that continues to salvage volatile relationships. Sometimes simplicity is the only hope for utterly tangled situations. Simple things like talking.