Love Drug

Scientists are trying to develop a drug that causes people to fall in love. They claim that the oxytocin hormone contributes to sexual attraction and promotes trust and confidence and reduces fear. Is your relationship missing that magic spark? Just pop the red pill. Want to make your secret crush fall in love with you? Just slip the love drug into their beverage of choice, and you'll hardly be able to keep them away. It's that easy. Let's face it, falling in love is hard to come by. And trying to win someone over through thoughtfulness and charm is just too much work. The best part is that you'll no longer have to wait for Mr. or Miss Right, with the love drug anyone could be the one. Who cares if they look like Jabba the Hut or Cousin It, you won't know the difference. You'll be head-over-heels in love. And when your love prescription runs out then just make an appointment with your local love doctor.

Why stop there? Maybe, the love drug is the way to world peace, the remedy for racism and terrorism and wars and gangs and lawsuits and sports. We'll all be lovers, not fighters. The world will be one big, long Woodstock, with lots of people rolling around in the mud and putting flowers in their hair. We could also use it to cause people to fall in love with God. We could spike the communion juice with it, although people might start kissing in church and that would be terrible. Kissing is so unspiritual.

Yes, the love drug is the solution we've been praying for. After all, God is love, why would He object? The first and second commandment are all about love. The Bible practically encourages us to take the love drug. We wouldn't be like robots, robots don't love. And why stop at the love drug? What about a faith drug? A drug that rids us of all that nasty logic and common sense. Is the law of gravity weighing you down? Well, that's nothing that a faith pill can't fix. You'll be flying around in no time. The possibilities are endless! Forgiveness medicine, discipline drugs, humility pills, courage elixirs. . .oh wait, that's alcohol.

Who knew that love could be so easy and convenient and bite-sized? Got love?


Warning: If you've taken any of this seriously, then consult your physician right away.

God's Mistletoe

I noticed that the tone of my latest blogs was veering into the melancholy. I blame it on winter. The days are colder and darker and the December doldrums always seem to burrow into my soul. But a couple days ago, I started listening to Christmas music and I'm better now. If nothing else, Christmas is a wonderful anti-depressant. Even if we discovered that Jesus had been born in the summer, I doubt we would reschedule His birthday. Christmas is such a timely, welcomed distraction from the grim weather. The color is fading from Oregonian faces and everyone is bundled like 7-layer burritos. And in the dead of winter, Christmas remains the heart's fireplace.

It's always surreal to hear songs about Jesus being played in the most godless places around town. Like it or not, the first Christmas is still singing. That meek and mild love story simply cannot be silenced. I smile whenever I hear the Salvation Army workers ringing those bells, evidence that Christmas hasn't been completely hijacked by commercialism. It's still about generosity. It's still about coming together. It's still about Jesus. Our world is standing under the mistletoe, unable to escape the kisses of God. Everywhere you turn, there's Christmas.

Two years ago, I begged my parents not to buy me anything. I wasn't boycotting Christmas, I just didn't need anything and didn't want my parents racking up credit card debt. They weren't hearing it. So in honor of Jesus's birthday, I received Guitar Hero 3. I rocked it for about two weeks before it ended up in the wasteland of forgotten Christmas toys. And yet maybe, just maybe, it was still worth it for my parents. Honestly, I'm not very good at receiving charitable love. I'm not sure why. It's either because I feel too proud or too unworthy or maybe a little bit of both. And yet, the transaction of love cannot be completed if it is not received. To deny someone the opportunity to show love is ultimately selfish. We were made to love and we find divine fulfillment in giving love to others. Love is like fresh air to our hearts, to be breathed in and out, to be given and received.

Every year, one big gift remains unopened in billions of households. The generous gift of grace, it is one gift that never loses its luster. It still offers saving love to one and all, young and old, rich and poor. It offers to pay off our soul's worrisome debt. But God's charitable love is worthless to those who will not take it from His hand. He loves to give. And who are we to deprive our Father of doing what He loves to do? As William Blake once said "We are here to learn to endure the beams of love." Just take it. Let God love you, every part of you, and maybe wish Him a Merry Christmas while you're at it.

Honest Love

I remember hearing the story "The Emperor's New Clothes" as a child and thinking it was a great story, but didn't realize that it was really a parable. I also didn't realize that I was the child in the story. If you remember, it's about two weavers who make an invisible garment for the emperor. The weavers claim that the fine garment can only be seen by those who are competent for their roles in society. Naturally, everyone agrees that they can see the clothes except for a little boy who yells "The emperor isn't wearing anything at all!"

Honesty has become a foreign language. It is rarely understood and is unkosher in an esoteric society preserved by euphemism and constant ceremony. We have an understanding, there are certain things you don't talk about. Everything has its place. You don't talk about disease and famine at the dinner table. You don't mention the afterlife in science class. You don't tell your boss that he takes his job too seriously. You don't cheer for the Ducks in a room full of Beavers. At a wedding, you don't say the word "divorce." At funerals, we hardly admit that we are all the person in the casket. At church, we don't sing songs about all the people who are going to hell. And on and on it goes. But honesty doesn't pander to formality or pretense or flattery or comfort. For that reason, most people don't like it. It doesn't get you popularity. It's like an alarm clock that is easier to unplug rather than wake up to reality. Most people are careful to say what they are supposed to say. They follow a script. The older generation is preoccupied with being respected and the younger generation is preoccupied with being cool. But honesty cares for neither. It comes streaking through the room, raising eyebrows. Whenever honesty happens, most people don't know what to say, it's very vulnerable and awkward and disagreeable. In an insane world, sanity is the laughing stock.

The Bible tells us to speak the truth in love. Love is not always nice, it doesn't always smile. Honesty is the vehicle for truth, and the truth is usually cutting. I'm not talking about the kind of honesty that tells someone that they are ugly. I'm talking about the kind of honesty that tells people what they need to hear so that they can really live and thrive. For instance, if a friend is ruining themselves with drugs then love confronts them, it doesn't support the addiction. That's not being legalistic, that's love. There is nothing loving about supporting sin that kills, real love intervenes.

Jesus is the most honest person I've ever read about. We often quote Him with a soft, sweet tone, but most of His statements were very abrasive and uncouth at the time. Things like "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven." Nobody knew how to respond, because Jesus didn't follow protocol. He wasn't bureaucratic, He didn't play games. He just said what wasn't being said, but that needed to be said. Most people didn't get it, most people still don't get it. People usually believe what they want to believe. What's more, everyone is elitist, we all think we're right. And we surround ourselves with people who convince us that we are right. We follow leaders who are a projection of our own ideology. But in order to make room for truth within ourselves, we must somehow identify and weed out the lies. The problem is that lies are very good at masquerading as the truth. Our only hope is honesty, because if truth does exist then it won't get anywhere without daring voices and a willingness to listen. And yet, in the interest of truth, you can't be your own reference point, you can't learn from yourself . That's like feeding on yourself and hoping to be healthy. To be truly enlightened, we need an outer intolerant light to break into our self-sustained paradigms and lead us somewhere new.

On a different note, it is good to be honest and confess our unsightly struggles to others if only to remind each other that we are not alone in our monstrosity. There have been countless times when I thought I was the only one wrestling with a certain question or sin, but once I shared it, I found out that there were many others with a similar issue. What would happen if we all showed our cards and stopped bluffing? Among other things, love is honest.

Death and Undying Love

Winter is always colder than I remember. This is the season where I can't avoid thinking about my dead brother Tyler. Four years ago, on December 9th, he hung himself with a dog collar. Whenever I reflect on those days, it always seems like someone else's life, like a movie I watched a long time ago. But there's never much resolution when a movie ends with tragedy. Last night, I was tired but couldn't sleep. I just laid awake thinking about Tyler. And then I wondered why I was thinking about him, but I didn't know. Maybe, it's because Thanksgiving always points out the empty chair.

When my brother died, it was the first time that death became a reality for me. Early on, I had dreams that my brother was still alive. Other times, I'd wake up thinking that his death was only a dream. Some days, I thought I saw him around town. I knew he was gone, but my heart wouldn't let go so easily. Once, a friend told me that I had been crying in my sleep the night before. I had no idea, and it was kind of embarrassing. I recall the black hole that I awoke to every morning. In a world of billions of people, I was painfully aware of the one missing person. It felt as though God's plans had derailed. I felt so lost.

In those days, I would often close the door and lie on the floor for hours. Gravity seemed stronger. I could feel the world turning and everyone scurrying about, but it all seemed so pointless. I found a companion in C.S. Lewis's book "A Grief Observed." He talked about how when his wife died he couldn't even find the motivation to do things like shaving. I often forgot to eat.

The reminder that God is everywhere is not a happy thought when you want to get away from him for a while. I remember saying to my pastor "If God is good, then I question the nature of goodness." I don't remember what he said. I knew I should pray, but I was afraid of the ugly things I would say. I thought I was losing my faith but now I realize that it was being proven. After all, faith is only an idea until it is threatened. My prayers became more honest, like the ones in the Psalms. Some people would call that complaining, but someday they'll find out that in the thick of tragedy you either pray honestly or you don't pray at all.

In those days, love came out of the woodwork. Love carried me through it all. Friends and family stepped into our demolished world and helped us through the wreckage. I choke up even as I write about it. They stopped by and sat with us, hugged us, wept with us. They cooked meals, ran errands, wrote cards, listened, and relayed stories about Tyler. God loved us through people. I champion God's love more than anything else, because yet again it saved me. Nothing else made sense, but that simple truth became my North Star. I found peace in the reality that God loved my brother more than I did. I felt that God was weeping with me. His mighty love outgrew mere sentimental ideals. He told me He loved me over and over until I actually believed it. I can't trust someone who doesn't love me. I learned to trust God in a way that defied common sense. Death is cruel, but love is stronger.

Honestly, I just wish Tyler and I could've grown up together and developed more of a friendship. I think I would be a better brother now. I wouldn't care about being right or being better or stupid things like that. I should probably let go of all that, but when I try to let go it just follows me around. You learn to embrace things that you can't let go of. Maybe, it will make me a better person.

I recall the last time I said goodbye to Tyler, it was so casual. Had I known it was our last time together I would've acted differently. I would've told him that the world would be much a sadder place without him. I still miss you bro.

Guys and Girls and the Rest of Us

I think I would understand girls better if I had grown up with a sister. Instead, I grew up with four younger brothers. We did brother stuff. We played baseball together, rode dirt bikes, shot b-b guns, built tree forts, dug holes (for no reason), wrestled, wrestled some more, wrestling turned to fist-fighting, and an hour later we'd be playing baseball together again. If I'd had a sister, I probably would've been suckered into playing with dolls and dressing up and stuff like that. (I have a sister now, but my parents had her when I was in college and I was already out on my own, so I didn't really grow up with her). Anyway, most of my information about girls came from TV and movies, and much later I learned that girls weren't really like that in real life. They weren't so predictable. Growing up, I didn't know how to have a conversation with a girl. I was terribly awkward. I'm still awkward, but it was much worse back then.

I approached conversations with girls as if they were math problems, and they never added up and I was so puzzled. I didn't realize that there are lots of subtle non-verbal cues that girls communicate and if you're not paying attention then you miss them and misread them, and they know it. My first girlfriend was in the third-grade. I passed a note to her that said "Will you be my girlfriend? Check yes or no." She checked yes, but I didn't know what to do after that, so I didn't talk to her for the rest of the year. The following summer, I found out that she had a different boyfriend. One that talked to her.

Most generalizations for guys and girls are misleading, broad strokes like "Men are from Mars and women are from Venus." I'm convinced that some guys are from an entirely different planet than me. I'm a guy and yet I'm not like some guys. I don't like watching sports or hunting or belching or stuff like that. And I think it's the same thing with girls. I've yet to meet a girl that fits any formula. In fact, when I try to fit girls into a formula then I get frustrated. The reality is that everyone is unique and you only understand them when you get to know them. Perhaps, it helps to know some guidelines, like men want to be respected and women want to feel loved. But the specifics require a tailored relationship.

My friend Tim has a great marriage. I asked him the secret and he says that they just talk about everything. He says that things like leaving the toilet seat up are never the real issue. But that it's about his wife knowing that he treasures her, and that she is central to his life. He says that when something puts a wedge between them then they just talk about it and it works out. It makes sense. I can think of countless times when I was bitter toward someone because a tiny issue blew up in my mind but then when I talked with them and understood their heart, then it wasn't a big deal anymore. Arguments usually occur when there is a lack of communication. It's as if the pressure builds until someone explodes and then several different conversations happen at once and it usually ends with a good ol' fashion door slamming. There's also the silent treatment. I think it happens when one spouse wants the other spouse to squirm a little and figure things out on their own. From what I hear, it never really resolves anything, but just adds to the confusion. The scripture that says "Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry" is a verse that continues to salvage volatile relationships. Sometimes simplicity is the only hope for utterly tangled situations. Simple things like talking.

Thoughts On Marriage From A Single Guy

Years ago, I was asked to teach at our church's college group. As a young single guy I decided to teach on marriage, being the expert that I was. Really, it was just something I wanted to learn about. Years later, I am still learning a lot about marriage even though I'm unmarried. I feel that if I learn through other people's mistakes then maybe I won't make them when I'm married. But it's also a genuine curiosity that makes me want to take a closer look. I love watching older couples interact. What strikes me is their uninhibited honesty toward each other, nothing is hidden and flattery is insulting. I don't share that sort of naked honesty with anybody. It seems that honesty comes with trust, and that sort of trust comes with countless times of testing. It is a depth of contented love that I have yet to experience, but I see it in their eyes. It's not Hollywood's glamorous version of love, it's better. It's real.

When I think about marriage, I can't help but think about all the divorces going on around me. And all the couples who are talking about divorce, and all the couples who aren't talking about divorce, but wished they were divorced. It's very disturbing. It always ruins my fairytale daydreams about marriage. Something is terribly wrong. Why all the divorce? Sometimes, I think that if so many people are wanting out of marriage then maybe I'm better off avoiding it altogether. Honestly, sometimes I want to be married and sometimes I don't. I've had seasons where I really wanted a girlfriend, then I got a girlfriend, but then I didn't want to have a girlfriend. My fickle heart scares me. I don't trust myself. I know that marriage is for life and I take that very seriously. If I do anything right, I want to stay true to my wedding vows. I'm sure that if I get married then there will be times when I'd rather not be married, but I'm convinced that my love for God and my family will be my strength and inspiration to give it my all.

I think the high divorce rate reveals our fallacies about marriage. Our expectations and imaginations set the bar at an impossible height. We view love like we view the lottery. We want prosperity but we don't want to work for it. It's interesting that divorcing couples almost always blame the other person. If I know one thing, it is that marriage stands or falls based on the element of self-sacrifice, agape love. If we go into marriage with only selfish desires and an unwillingness to sacrifice then we will lose. It seems, we'd rather try to change someone else into the idea of the person we love rather than work at loving the real person. The seed of divorce starts with that seminal unfaithfulness. Consequently, if someone is bent on changing their spouse, and not willing to change for their spouse, then that is a form of self-love. And that marriage will fail.

I've noticed a growing aversion to marriage among young single guys especially (maybe some girls too, but not the ones I've talked to). That attitude actually makes sense in a culture of rampant sexual immorality. Sex is supposed to be reserved for marriage alone, but that hard line is being softened to the point of being obsolete. In our society, to be a virgin is as peculiar as being Amish. The misunderstanding of grace in the church is breeding compromise. The Devil's best pitch is "Just do it and God will forgive you later" and after the fact his tone changes to "God could never forgive you." Sufficed to say, sex is not the only reason for marriage but it is one of the reasons, according to its Designer.

I think young singles are also apprehensive toward marriage because from the outside it just looks hard. It seems so time-consuming and high-maintenance. And really it's not a commandment to be married, it really is optional. Sometimes, I joke that Jesus and Beethoven didn't marry so maybe I won't either. But seriously, there's a part of me that knows that if I never get married, then I will be missing out on a great adventure. It will be a facet of love that will remain a mystery. I believe we are here to explore love, and marriage seems like a locked corridor in my life. I know that if I get married then it will be scary at times and I will see parts of myself that I'd rather not see. But in the end, if I am willing to look hard enough then the truth will set me free. It is hard to lose my life and yet there is a part of me that wants to lose myself more than anything else. That is true freedom. With marriage, I look forward to completely investing myself in someone else, where her hardships become mine and vice versa. And knowing that if the whole world turns against me then at least one person will still be holding my hand.

Be that as it may, whenever I feel a strong yearning for marriage then I pray. I pray for my future wife and somewhere out there she is being kissed by blessings. I pray that if she is feeling forlorn that the Lord would wrap His loving arms around her and steady her heart. And maybe she is praying for me. Maybe, we aren't so far apart after all.

If The Devil Were God

Sometimes, you must ponder the antithesis of something in order to obtain a deeper appreciation. Sometimes, in order to recognize something we have to recognize its opposite. We often determine what we like by starting with what we dislike. Moreover, we savor life once we've tasted the bitterness of death. I cherish family and friends more and more as I realize that they will not always be in my life. We are living out moments that will soon be memories. I treasure relationships in light of inevitable separation.
Similarly, some of us can testify to the ecstasy of God's light only because we've recognized the miseries of outer darkness. And in order to appraise love we must imagine a world without it. A world turned upside down. What if the devil were God?

What if we had been born into a world where the highest authority burned with hatred toward mankind? That kind of God would delight in, not blessing, but cursing his creation, tormenting it. His agenda would not be salvation, but death and destruction. And we would be powerless against such cruelty. We would live in a hopelessly withered world, cowering under the demented whim of a sovereign tyrant. We would surely beg for death. If God were not good, who could dethrone Him? There were no guarantees that we would have a God of love. But we do. We were not entitled to love, but Jesus died and we were written into the will.

In our universe, water is the quintessential ingredient for life. We search for water on other planets to know if life is possible elsewhere. Some scientists propose that love is also vital to the survival of our species. They say we love only for the purpose of procreation and self-preservation. They argue that if people did not fall in love then mankind would soon die off. However, it leaves much to be accounted for when it comes to the complexities of love. That might account for a pseudo-love that seeks profit, and yet real love is so much more. What about the other kind of love that I witness each and every day? Love that goes beyond self interest? I believe that agape love is the greatest evidence against the theory of evolution. When I see agape love enter our atmosphere it appears as an alien beauty, a miraculous force, not scientific. Agape love stops me in my tracks, as if I have just witnessed a transmission from another world. When the rich feed the poor, when the strong carry the weak, those acts of self-sacrificial kindness defy the logic of evolution. Why do we stand in awe when we see people sacrifice for others? Why do we feel a deep sense of fulfillment when we make someone's day? It has nothing to do with self-preservation. Surely, the trail of charitable love leads back to a loving Creator. We are glimmers of unearthly love only because we all bear His image. We are like our Father.

On this Thanksgiving Day, I am sincerely thankful to live in a world where love resides on Heaven's throne.